Is There Something Wrong With Me

mood: oh so lazy
music: these words - natasha bedingfield ("these words are my own from my heart flown i love you")

skipped to a friend's blog and in her links area, i'm listed as "Mrs-Awak-to-be". and all the other people on her links area are listed as such too, Mrs-Somebody or Mr-Someone. so the kaypoh in me clicked at random, just to peep into these people's world.

and every blog i read about was on love. these people's lives with the other halfs. it made me feel weird that i don't blog about awak everyday...and looking back thru my recent entries, i realized i've not blogged about awak in quite a while!

*panic button activated*

err...is there cause for alarm? truth be told...i've not seen awak for about three days now, and the last time was when he saw my back as i walked off from an arguement. yes yes...i know that was a sucky thing to do, walking away does not solve things, i know and if he did it, i would have flown into a rage and pulled him back by his ear! but i felt like i was losing control and it was far better to walk away than to say what was at the tip of my tongue. (it would have made foul-mouthed sailors blush)

so till today we're chilling. both our ego are about wounded from the beating and i hope this has taught us a lesson. that when two people are in love, they will hurt each other more. have respect for the people you love, peeps. respect them and trust that they know what they are doing, and respect them enough to always be honest. respect them as human beings who may make mistakes, and respect them as the people who will be putting you to bed at night when you fall asleep drooling in front of the teevee.

so in honour of awak, and to absolve my guilt, i'm reposting this to remind me what a fantastic baby i have, and thank God for him.

---------------------------------------------------------

mood: got such thing as praying mood?
music: fall to pieces - avril lavinge ("you're the only one i'd be with till the end when i come undone you will bring me back again")

i wanna blog about awak.

i think to awak, i am insane. sometimes downright crazy. i dun eat seafood, will order chicken most of the time, will only drink ice cold pokka green tea, hate shopping, even for things i need. i will remember things better than he does, so unfortunately that will make me remember when something is not done or when promises are not met. when i'm pmstic, i will turn into a crybaby and turn on the tap at the slightest thing.

of all my traits i can be demanding, unreasonable, selfish and downright sarcastic. and awak seems to bear the brunt of things. it's tiring for me to have to explain to him all of my emotions, but i guess it must be equally frustrating for him to get whammed by me left right centre upside down.

but...God is fair. just as i am blessed with a good memory, awak can forget things. he forgets when i've been unreasonably stubborn one day and still wakes me up the next morning with "hello dear!" sometimes he speaks to me in that baby voice that he uses only with me. he has this instinct where he will get me stuff that at first glance i think "oh my god what's this for" only to find that later i actually find it coming useful at times of need. his gift of being calm and collected when i'm falling apart.

i'm like a kite. and awak is my string. he lets me soar into the heights, but he will always keep me attached and grounded so i know my footing. he holds me tightly so i dun get lost in turbulant winds and violent storms. he decorates me, so i look good when i shine. he gives me freedom to be myself in my space, but always pulls me close when i charter into dangerous territory.

i know awak loves me. and the years we've been together are not proof of that - rather, they are a testament of the everyday things that he does to express the love, appreciation and respect he has for me. he loves me, faults and all.

so i thank Him. for granting me His Love, His Peace and His Tranquility thru awak.

NBC 23/09/2005 - 24/09/2005

happy early birthday, bananaz and asap! and thanks to the fantastic 6+1 for a FANTASTIC weekend.

Down By The Sea

mood: stagnant
music: my favourite mistake - sheryl crow ("did you know could you tell you were the only one")

just got back from tangkak/melaka yesterday and now it's back to work. i have got to stop taking these weekend getaways, man...sunday night is not a good day to come back from holiday...

but anyway...alhamdulillah...all's well and that's about it for weddings, as far as my family goes. the next to be married is moi...and she's not even in the mood to discuss that.

for the first time since the longest time the whole family was there. my family was complete. father, mother, sister, brother in law, nephew, brother, me and and awak. (ok well techincally he's not part of the family yet lah but he's getting there. and he is such an auntie-killer!)

my most vivid recollection of this picture perfect moment was on saturday night where we had dinner at this food place near pantai klebang. under the stars, by the sea and a couple of confused waiters, we had a perfect dinner. just us. the entire family complete.

bliss...when can we do this again?

I'm Hot Tempered. Who Loves Me?

mood: don't care-ish
music: out of my head - fastball ("how could i have ever been so blind")

the past two days have been insane. and all thanks to lifeguards.

i tell myself everyday...i must be strong and make the best of the situation that i am in. there is no point in trying to beat the system. some things are beyond our control, yes, i concede that.

but my dear friends, please accept that i cannot and never will be a "yes-man". that is my principle. i will fight. i will put all my cards on the table and i will push and bulldoze my way around if i know that i am on the right side. and i don't care what happens to me in the process, so long as the bigger picture is served. and i can do this because i know what is and what is not important to me. i know that at the end of the day we will all be held accountable for our actions and that makes me responsible.

and i'm sorry, baguana, for being too assertive. i pushed you too hard and i kick myself for that. i need to learn tact, right? yes...so that shall be my OJT for the next couple of weeks. you can claim $8 per hour from IFD. just need to write BRAC paper for IAA to approve. sure get one ok?
: )

You Bloody Racist!

mood: justified
music: let it be - the beatles ("and when the broken hearted people living in the world agree there will be an answer")

today two bloggers were charged for making racist comments online.

under the sedition act of 1948, two men were brought into the district court for making racist comments on malays and muslims. if convicted, they may face a jail term of three years and a $5000 fine.

justice is served.

was it?

whatever lah.

i came across a racist blog the other day, and had a serious discussion with xlrc. of course, he told me what i had always known, but hearing it being said to my face sort of woke me up.

we all have to live with some sort of prejudice and racism, even here in this cozy place we call home. the indians have to live with the fact that people think they are smelly. the malays have to live with the fact that people think they are lazy. the chinese have to live with the fact that people think they are greedy. so what?

yes...humans aren't perfect. actually He created us perfect; we're the ones who destroyed our lives and eroded our values. so anyway...we temporal beings must live with one another in harmony, if not we'll get ourselves extinct. so the point is, we have to learn to live with ourselves. and if you think this is a very politically correct answer, you're wrong.

this is the perfect answer. racial tolerance is such a silly concept. look at the word tolerance! who says i have to tolerate smoky piles of paper burning during the seventh month? who says i have to tolerate the incessant banging of gongs and drums and chanting when there's a funeral at the void deck? i don't tolerate it. i understand it and i accept it. so, my dearest xlrc, i am not being politically correct. i am being honest, coz god knows if i were to try to tolerate the differences that we have to face in singapore, sooner or later i will give up on this system.

yes it's hard. but that's the price to pay.

ps: xlrc, i have to admit it. when i was chatting to you about how generally people here act on their prejudice, you said that it's because the race perpetuates the prejudice. and i agreed with you. i thought that it was unfair for people to judge other based on stereotypes and preconceived notions, to which you replied "hey my girl, life isn't fair".

i felt mad. i wanted to scream at you "when has life ever been unfair to you?!"

just earlier this week i knew when.

and i feel rotten about even feeling the way i did. so i'm sorry.

that's what the apology is for.

Willing To Talk

ANNOUNCEMENT

i'm looking for malay / muslims homosexuals (male or female) under the age of 32 who will be willing to talk to me (or at least email) for a feature story in a local magazine for teenagers. only the real name and contact numbers of the individuals will be disclosed to the writer (which is me) or my editor. strictly no photographs will be used, and pseudonyms will be used in the article.

if you know of any such individuals, please do email me at whynotaai@yahoo.com

Down Time

THE FANTASTIC SIX plus ONE

clockwise from left: asap, coffeebean, chups, bananaz, baguana, viva and ranj

(just some of the peeps who make my life much more beareable at work)

photo courtesy of asap.

Boo Freaking Hoo

mood: grr
music: untitled - simple plan ("so i try to hold on to a time when nothing mattered")

i want to stand on top of a mountain and curse. a lot. and using as much vile and disgusting vulgarities as i can muster. and don't any of you peeps use the c-word or the f-word in front of me...please. i swear i will explode.

it'll be very easy to be upset and get angry. even if i feel violated and taken advantage of, i am powerless to change it.

let's face it. the whole bunch of us in the c-word based division is screwed. what re-org? as far as we can see, this is simply a transfer of division. the people who were hired for a specific function are now forced to perform another function, or better yet, sit down and play rookie to the other people who have been doing the function a lot longer. and there goes a wealth of experience and knowledge. i'm so darn tired. making excuses for people and convincing myself that it's going to be alright.

life is not fair. right. i get it. but who saw this coming?

it's not going to be alright. i'm so screwed.

seriously...wake me up when september ends.

Shop Till I Drop

mood: grumpy and angry and throwing an allowed tantrum
music: diatas normal (beyond normal) - peterpan ("pikiranku patutnya menyedari siapa yang harus dan tak harus ku cari" / my mind should realize who it should and should not be looking for")

oh well peeps! i'm back from a long break away from the cyberworld and ill health thanks to a certain antibiotic called amoxyllin.

i was in kelantan over the weekend for abang ngah's wedding. finally! i love family gatherings such as those (even though i was only half conscious to actually sit thru the entire ceremony). found time to go to pengkalan kubur, very near to the golok border to shop for dirt cheap items like nice fabrics, knick knacks and clothes. of course mother and uda went berserk with the tudong-shopping while i was actually melting under the 35 degrees sun. but still managed to find a very nice telekong for awak to give me as part of hantarans. *yay*!

we also found time to go down to terengganu on saturday. the pasar payang is a huge place! undoubtedly the objective of visiting the market was to buy songkets and batiks for me and awak to make more hantarans. it was there i realized what a terrible bargainer i am. i think i am every shopholder's dream customer. i never question the price, and certainly i don't have the guts to bargain the price down, even though i know i should. hahaha! but that's what uda is for! she bargained the price of the two songket sampings that i bought for awak down that even the shopkeeper was impressed!

and uda also insisted that i go to this boutique silk batik shop. allegedly, it's the best in malaysia and if you want to buy batik, you buy from noor arfa. and at uda's and mother's strongly worded encouragements, i got a lovely deep red batik cloth to make into a nice baju kebaya for awak to give me as yet another hantaran. i'm ashamed to share on the price i paid for that one. it seems terribly exorbitant, even when in rm. but, as uda rightly pointed out, "you get married only once! and this hantaran thing lah is the time for you to get him to give you stuff like this. once you're married, hah! don't even dream. husbands in general never do!"

hahahahaha....is that true guys? awak? really? will our hantarans be the last time you get me nice stuff like that? i hope not...but seriously, i don't mind if you never get me the kindda of stuff that we're having as hantaran...a nice 0.8 carat princess cut diamond solitaire set in platinum will do just fine. : )

so i'm pleased with my hauls...and given more time (and surely more money), me and awak would surely have found almost all the things we need for our hantarans. but since he wasn't there and seriously my pocket was getting lighter and lighter, i decided it was wise to buy stuff we had previously agreed on.

went back to work on toosday...for a dragonboating teambuilding challenge. a very useful session for today, i'm feeling muscles i never knew i had! cliche-dly, it was a fun activity, but it worked when it tried to get us to get to know each other and break the ice among peeps in the new divisions. ranj, baguana, coffeebean and me of course have our reservations about the prof...but we’re all adopting a wait-and-see approach.

but when it comes to work, seriously i don't care anymore.

that's about all that's happening in my world. yeah pathetic i know...but i like my life simple, thank you very much.

here's that seven thingy toots tagged me with. follow the instructions, peeps!

seven things that scare me
1. my ability to sin
2. my ability to forget
3. not getting His blessings for everything i do
4. speeding cars
5. dark places
6. watching incredible tales on channel five (blardee spooky man...)
7. flying cockroaches

seven things i like the most
1. my faith
2. His love
3. chocolate
4. chicken and cheese
5. my liana
6. teh peng
7. ok this one i hate to admit but...awak's corny jokes.

seven important things in my room
1. my praying corner
2. my bed
3. my fan and the wonky remote control
4. my curtains (coz i leave the grilles open and don't wanna do a full monty)
5. cici my cat (hey sometimes he's under my bed)
6. my terribly large collection of bags
7. by laundry basket (which always overflows coz i do laundry like once a month?)

seven random facts about me
1. i have long black hair (which i'm thinking of cutting soon...shld i?)
2. i'm a crybaby during pms-tic times
3. loud
4. i don't care who hears when i sing in the shower
5. i hate cleaning
6. i love cooking
7. the only place in america that i really wanna visit is the yellow stone.

seven things i plan to do before i die
1. pray and repent for my sins
2. repay my parents for every intangible deed
3. complete all the articles of faith
4. get masters in sociology
5. get masters/degree in seerah
6. do umrah at least once more
7. marry awak and have at least four of his kids. (he wants 10. he can have them himself!)

seven things i can do
1. row in a dragonboat (just learnt!)
2. drive
3. sing and yoddle
4. cook a mean spaghetti
5. sleep an afternoon away
6. talk to cici
7. find liana when i've parked it

seven things i can't do
1. read a compass
2. write or read mandarin
3. see beyond 20 meters without my glasses/contacts
4. fix stuff that i've broken.
5. understand why morons and idiots exists
6. remember anything i learnt in sec school maths class
7. my gce o levels combined science paper

seven things i say the most
1. "ha?"
2. "ya Allah!"
3. "sure..."
4. "ta ma de!"
5. "what? why?"
6. "why not"
7. "blinking..."

seven celeb crushes
1. taufik batisah!
2. bryan greenberg - jake in one tree hill
3. milo ventimiglia - jesse in gilmore girls
4. chris pratt - bright in everwood
5. ariel - lead singer of peterpan
6. noah wyle - dr carter in er
7. anthony ruivivar - carlos in third watch

seven people who will have to do this
all y'all who's reading this! even if it exceeds seven!

He Loves Me Yeah Yeah Yeah

mood: i seem to feel pretty happy today...
music: the freshman - the verve ("for the life of me i cannot remember what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise")

yesterday i took awak to meet cik midah, my family's financial health doctor. she's been pasl with my mom for the longest time and she insures our entire family. so naturally i took awak to her for a quick check up. we discussed a lot about his work and the need for him to be totally insured, thanks to the line he's in. and now he's on the way to being insured.

as i listened to awak and cik midah's animated discussion, i found myself blushing...it was very weird. because...awak kept referring to me as one of his dependents! whenever questions came up about what his financial priorities are, it's always his parents first and then me. when asked how much he would like his dependents to get every month in the event of his death, he turned to me and ask, "dear how much do you want?" i laughed the question off.

we then took off. to my annoyance, we ended up at his carpark.

me: what are we doing here, dear? it's past ten already.
awak: yeah i gotta go upstairs take something.
me: take what? you're sending me back what?
awak: aiyah just go up lah.

so we trudged up to his place. and guess what? future mother in law had made kuih keria for me!

omg...i was floored! it was like the home made kind and it was delicious! she packed like a dozen for me to bring back.

i remember complaining to awak a few weeks ago on how there weren't any good kuih keria stalls around. (well that was before coffee bean took me to that shop at shenton way, THANKS!) i didn't think he'd remember or that he or the future mother in law would go through all that trouble! i was speechless and touched. as we were leaving his place, we passed by the hall was his dad was with a guest, a long time family friend. he salam-ed the guy and pointed to me and said, "tunang saya". ("my fiancee").

so last night i went to sleep feeling very nervous coz for the first time in a long time, i realized that this is serious. with the planning our financial health to being with each other's family and stuff. crunching numbers, i counted 268 days (8.25mths, 38 weeks, 6432 hours, 385920 mins, 23155200 secs) to our wedding.

wow. i'm seriously doing this.

and awak...i don't want your money. i want you to be healthy and alive.

Answers!

oh yes! and answers to my previous post - the are actually TEN factual errors, and they are:

1. i was washing my car (I NEVER WASH MY CAR)

2. unruffling his long lovely hair (awak doesn't have long hair. pls lah, he just finished reservist!)

3 i jumped into his arms (not till we're married lah!)

4. he swung me around. (still not married!)

5. i held on so tight (not married yet lah!)

6. he cupped my face (really...no kidding...not married!)

7. awak: baby, i missed you (awak will never call me baby...)

8. me: honey i love you back (...and i will never call him honey!)

9. and we kissed. (i kid you not...we're not married!)

10. he held me in his arms. (what a pity we're not married yet!)

so who ever who spotted EIGHT can claim the prize from me. anyone spotted TEN?

Thirty! Twenty-five! Ten!

mood: tired...but happy at last
music: everything will be alright - the killers ("i believe in you and me i'm coming to find you if it takes me all night")

good night tonight is.

the battered soldiers who survived the reorg waves hitting the wayang drama agency went out for dinner and ktv session. so nostalgic...as if we all knew that this would be the last time we did this as a team under ID.

sang and sang and drank and drank...haha! thanks for that game that you play with multiples of five and if you lose you gotta drink (thankfully the iced jasmine tea is nice!) we had fun and totally let our hair down.

highlight of the evening was when mrs sham gave a resounding rendition of the mandarin song "Hui Jia" by (eh guys by who ah?) and anyone of you can be a good friend and gimme a translation pweeze?

*sigh*...back to reality. what to do? once a cliche bugger said that change was the only constant in life. oh so true. this december will mark my second year with the wayang drama agency, and i have seen so many changes happening. you suck it up and you move on, right? just do your best, with the people around you as support.

so here's to the people around me who gave me support. mr retail, mr attractions, miss ir, mr future director, baguana, viva, ajojoz, mrs sham, ms carnegie hall and mr singh. and also to those who weren't around, princess fiona, sar, and the rest of your ten floor-ers. and to keep us sane and not give up...here's something that captain kan shared with us at the offsite. so peeps, keep your hopes and dreams up. and stay insane.

"here's to the crazy ones. the misfits. the rebels. the troublemakers. the round pegs in the square holes. the one who see things differently. they're not fond of rules. and they have no respect for the status quo. you can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. about the only thing you can't do is ignore them. because they change things. they invent. they imagine. they heal. they explore. they create. they inspire. they push the human race forward. maybe they have to be crazy. how else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? or sit in silence and hear a song that's never been written? or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels? we make tools for these kinds of people. while some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. because the people who are crazy enough to thinkthey can change the world, are the ones who do." - apple computers

g'night peeps...stay safe tonight.

Seven Days

mood: top of the world
music: underneath your clothes - shakira ("underneath your clothes there's an endless story. there's the man i chose there's my territory")

awak is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

it was such a shock. i was washing my car and cursing the birds above when i heard the all too familiar thunder of his phantom. true 'nuff, he parked at his usual spot, took of his helmet and shook his head, unruffling his long lovely hair. i shrieked, dropped my sponge and ran towards him. he met me halfway across the carpark. i jumped into his arms and he swung me around. i held on so tight and didn't wanna let go. he cupped my face and looked deep into my eyes and into my soul.

awak: baby, i missed you
me: honey i love you back

and we kissed. and the clouds above parted and the moon shone with such brilliance. as he held me in his arms, i felt all my worries melt away.

yeah right.


yeaup...been reading too many trashy romance novels, thanks to mother who's been pestering me to write some reviews for publication.

by the way...there are EIGHT factual errors in the fiction above. whichever one of you can tell will be rewarded with a special edition "friends" button from me!

what really happened was...

he came back, and we had a lovely lunch at breeks harbourfront, where the food was good and the service not bad. we caught up on a lot of things, he updating me on the force front and me updating him with the latest waves hitting the wayang drama agency.

awak : so how are you dear?
me: ok...but i missed you much. did you miss me?
awak: nope. not at all. i was too busy.

i looked down, pouting to myself. then he cleared his throat and asked.

awak: so...err...did anybody disturb you while i was away?

the question shocked me. how did he know?!

so i told him the truth. the story about the guy from the train station. sorry awak...you're mine..ALL MINE! (evil laughter)

we also talked a bit about our impending wedding in 276 days time, having hit on some ideas i got over the weekend. to me, it is a bit too early to start the wheel in motion, but there's no harm in throwing out ideas and plans yeah?

then we caught "the truth about love". hilarious coz of three reasons.

a) the ticket lady and the usher asked for my ic as proof that i was above 16,
b) the movie theater was empty so awak and i laughed out loud everytime the eff word was said, and
c) jennifer love hewitt's efforts at trying to speak with an english accent

and then we went back. nice day, coz he was around and there were so many things we had to catch up on. and i just kindda love the feeling that he's around. makes me feel safe.

so awak is back y'all! you hear me?! he's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

alhamdulillah.... : )

May God Have Mercy On Your Soul

mood: bite me
music: polaris - jimmyeatworld ("i'll say it straight and plain. i know i've made mistakes i've always been afraid.")

so tired.

tired of feeling angry and upset all the time. tired of complaining. tired of asking why.

tired of making excuses for people who are undeserving. tired of putting up with those who will never ever be satisfied with no matter what i do. tired of them who try to make me feel stupid and put me down.

tired of those who lie to my face. tired of them who talk behind my back. tired of the ones who take advantage of me.

you know what? fine. i don't need you. you are nothing to me and i don't give two hoots about who you are and what you think you can do to me. as far as i'm concerned, you do not exist, and what does not exist to me can't hurt me. i'm made of stronger things and i have been through worse rubbish than what you're dishing out to me right now, so who the hucking fell do you think you are?

don't need to ask. i forgive you. sincerely. with all my heart. now go and seek forgiveness to God. may He forgive you.

*takes a deep breath*....ok God, it's over to You now. i redha with all that You destine. please grant me the strenght to accept it.

Stay Safe Tonight, Awak

mood: sleepie at the office
music: mad season - matchbox twenty ("i need you now do you think you can cope")

awak is full of suprises.

on saturday night i called him from jb. the conversation went:

me: dear what are you watching?
awak: paycheck. what are you doing?
me: oh i'm watching the story of us.
awak: of course you are...coz it's the first movie we watched together.

i was so shocked he actually remembered! and he knew i'd be watching. but he did...aww~~.

*grin like monkey*


*grin some more*


*still grinning*


ok ok i'll cut it out....*grin*..HAHAHAHA! i can't help it!

so when i got back on sunday, we went buying his stuff. awak's reservist in-camp training starts monday for a week. poor baby. we got socks, boxers, tshirts, shampoo (don't they have these stuff?) and packed the rest of his barang-barangs.

so he's in station for a week. probably at central or sengkang. take care, baby...and don't play hero. i'd like my fiancee to come home. alive. in one piece. please? will doa for your safety, dear. *sniff*

but it's ok peeps! it doesn't mean i will have the my-fiancee's-on-reservist syndrome. there were times during the poly days, i saw lotsa girls suffering from the "my-boyfriend's-in-ns" syndrome which was kindda bad. if you form a project group with them, don't ever schedule meets or expect them to do work over the weekend, coz that's when the boyfriend books out and well..you know what happens. so thank God for peer evaluations!

but that was light years ago. another time. another me. i still worry, a lot, given the nature of this work. so i do have a lot to be thankful for.

insya Allah he will be alright. he can cope.

Must Be Good To Be A Bucket

mood: i wanna be a kid all over again
music: willy wonka - oompah loompahs ("willy wonka! willy wonka!")

the best movie this year. the best. this is the kind of movie that makes you forget that you're an old fuddy duddy grown up and brings you back to a time where life was much much less complicated.

johnny depp is truly an inspiring actor. as i watched him bring willy wonka to life, i kept having flashbacks to him in edward scissorhand, blow, pirates of the carribean and i said, "that cannot be the same man." but it was! it was him. excellent excellent performance. give that man an oscar!

if i could make one improvement it'd be the fact that there was no subtitles for the songs that the oompah loompahs sang....they were wonderful...but the lyrics can hardly be heard over the music, so i thought that they should have subtitled the music in english too...as they did in mandarin..

one thing spoiled it for me. it was very very very disturbing and annoying for me to have sat in the movie in front of a row of ignorant kids. throughout the movie, they kept asking anal questions like "mommy why is the house senget? (lopsided)" and "why the grandparents sleep together?" and "mommy why they always eat cabbage soup?" and (i think this is the stupidest question of all "why the elevator make from glass one?"

OH FOR FISH SAKE!

go read the damn book! i didn't think i'd meet anyone who's not heard of charlie and the chocolate factory as a book...dumba**!

but catch it you must! and i can't wait for them to turn the glass elevator into the next movie!!!!!!


"in fact, everything in this room is eatable, even me. but that would be called cannibalism." - willy wonka, charlie and the chocolate factory.

Work Hard For The Money

mood: cold at this height
music: hear you me - jimmyeatworld ("what would you think of me now so lucky so strong so proud")

545 came and went. it's ok, right, awak? it just wasn't meant to be. we'll get it perfect when it's our turn. : )

i realized looking thru my past posts and (hey where'd my archives go?) that i don't talk much about work. now there is a reason, coz i remember signing this piece of document that had the heading of "Official Secrets Act Chapter 213". well...haveing sat for a law paper while doing mcm (and doing pretty well on it, i must say), i know what kindda trouble i can get in the public domain. also with the recent hype on bloggers, i really really don't wanna attract any unnecessary attention.

anyway...what i wanted to share today was the realities of working life. eversince i started working, the message of The Holy Prophet (s.a.w) really hit home, especially when he said the best income was one earned through a business. after all, he (s.a.w) himself was a businessman, a prosperous and honest one at that.

*sigh* such large shoes to follow.

but really...more and more people i know love (read: loathe) their jobs. sister and i was discussing (using loud tones and angry gestures) about it with mother the other days about the eccentricities of our jobs and she commented, "you kids. you've not even worked for five years and you start complaining about you jobs, your bosses..." which was kindda true. i've not reached my two year mark, and sister just got another posting, but! that does not mean that we have to put up with crap at work.

but hearing more and more horror stories, i have come to two basic ideas on work.

idea number one: it's really really really important to do what you like. make a career out of your interests, and quickly decide what you want to do. easier said than done, but when you fall into the endless chain of daily routines, the only thing that keeps you coming back is the work that you do.

which leads me to the second idea.

idea number two: the grass is only greener on the other side coz more cows have crapped on it. if you think by changing jobs you can get away from all the rubbish office politics and horrible colleagues, you're wrong. peeeps, office politics and horrible colleagues are everywhere. they exist in all organizations, at every level. if you feel like changing jobs coz you can't stand your boss or your colleague makes life hell for you, who's to say the next job won't yield the same results?

which links idea number two back to idea number one.

if you like what you do, then you will have the passion to put up with all the rubish that comes along with it, including office politics and lousy colleagues. let's face it, the office politics game is played everywhere. it's how much you want to get involved and what degree of ethics, professionalism and honesty you want to play it with.

*sigh*...personally, it's hard. it's really hard for you to keep positive all the time, especially when crap hits the ceiling and you're drowning.

alhamdulillah...luckily i have awak...he keeps me afloat.

I Floored The Accelerator, And Liana Almost Flew

mood:sleepyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
music: come undone - duran duran ("who do you need who do you love when you come undone?")

*phew*...

i should be in a comatose state right now. left home at 0500 on saturday and returned on 1230hrs on monday. yes...i did it. i drove to KL. something i said that i will never do. heck yes, i'm proud of myself. doin 140 on kl roads...not bad for a manual 1.3 machine. and i also learnt how to drive like orang KL (read: weave in and out of bumper to bumper traffic).

well...anyway it was a good trip. awak's first (of many) road trips with the anak anak lani. of course he impressed all the datins datins. of course he made pals with the cousins. and of course i got nagged at to learn how to cook the food he likes, how to behave when around him (like i turn into a duzzy monkey!)...hrrmph! but awak thanks...for being my extra pair of eyes on the dark expressways. for entertaining my with your (corny) jokes and weird trivia. for feeding me all those asam, kuacis and gum...love you baby...to more of such family gatherings, yes?

as i observed how awak seemed to integrate just fine into my family, i can't help but worry how i will do with his. so far, my interactions with them are limited to his immediate family...not like mine, where my cousin's wife and my aunt's husband are already including us in other family plans lined up.

don't get me wrong. awak's family is great. great people. and i fell comfortable with them. but i've only met his immediate family...as in his parents, siblings and assorted nieces and nephews. err...that's about it? how awak, will your family love me? well...i suppose i have nothing to worry about. after all...i AM very lovable.

so now it's monday morning. back to work. back to my pews paper. back to reality. and reality will sink in at 5.45pm today...so peeps, please make doa for me. much needed. thanks.

have you ever wanted something so much but when faced with the reality of actually getting it, you ask yourself if you're prepared to get it and face all the good and bad things that come with it? Dear God, give me Your Strength and Wisdom to get through this. i don't know how it came to be like this. i should have know what i was getting myself into. but this is one of the rare times that i really feel like somebody's put the blinkers on me and i'm groping around in the dark. well...not exactly in the dark alone, awak's groping too (in the dark, not me...dun get any silly ideas, peeps).

so how, baby? we will clear this phase? counting down to 5.45pm today, ok?

to zackeroos...very sorry that you're going thru such a tough time. will make doa for you and girl, always here if you need. just remember, He will only test you if He Loves you and even so, He will only test you with something He knows you can overcome...so hang in there, dearies. and we'll meet up soon to plan the trip, kay?

and oh...i missed toots engagement!!!! toots...pics?

I Wanna Be A Housewife In Hougang

mood: upset
music: you're beautiful - james blunt ("but we shared a moment that will last till the end")

ok...well, ok...so not hougang. i wanna be ahousewife in bukit gombak.

*sigh*...life is unfair. i get it. you can't be purrfect at everything. but i try.

i do. there are so many roles that we have to play. firstly, i'm a muslim. then i'm also a girl. then i'm also a malay...that's a deadly combi for you. most non-malay girls i know don't even cook or clean.

if you may just read on about one part of my life (well, technically it's my space, so i don't need your permission now do i?)...being from a dual income family, my siblings and i grew up pretty much on our own. we weren't exactly latchkey kids...but we did go home to an empty house and have to mind ourselves till past 7pm when the folks came home. yes...and that included cooking for ourselves, washing up after ourselves, ironing our uniforms and keping the house in some semblance of order. i remember a time when sister left something on the stove. i remember one time i short circuited the house when i poked a fork into the toaster. i remember brother being teased coz he went to school with an hot-iron scar on his cheek.

the things we went through. funny...it made us understand and appreciate the value of money. the worth of a hard day's work. the honour and integrity of beign honest. you want something, you work for it. but through it, we built trust...some of my friends commented recently that my parents are the most liberal parents they've ever met. they are ok with sleepovers and overseas trips. i'm ok to drive around till morning...they trust me, and in return i don't betray that trust.

so the point of this blog is that my folks raised me well. whatever flaws are my own doing. no matter how much i hate to clean i still do it coz it's expected of me. no matter how many times i burn the chicken or put too much salt or too little asam in the dish, i still do it, coz it's expected that i cook for awak and our family one day. no matter how tired or busy i am, i still have to be a good anak dara and keep up appearances. mother always did say "seberapa tinggi kau belajar pun, berapa kaya pun, kalau rumah tangga tak terurus, tak guna." (losely translated, "no matter how smart you are or how rich you will be, if you can't manage your household, it's no use").

what is a girl to do...

Hard Icing Cakes

mood: ache-y
music: forever - vertical horizon ("take these roses all from me let me live let me be")

monday night jogged with awak in preparation for his ippt next month.awak should do well, he's always been a figure of good health - alhamdulillah.

psst! awak, your figure...i lioke..heheheeee...

maybe all that build up of lactic acid is why i am aching till today. darn it, now have gotta run some more so i stop aching. *sigh*...how to run when my bed beckons me everynight! and then the tv calls for me to gaze at it for hours on end...*lol*

will be bringing toots to mak yam's place tonight. ok for those who have not seen my engagement cake and the pastry thingy, i will try and take more pics and post them up and if you wanna order, please do lemme know. this lady is a gem i tell you...where else can you find cakes with hard icing and inscriptions in JAWI?

it's a dying craft, and i feel sad that there's no one to take after her. her cakes are very reasonably priced, and in my opinion, it's better you give this sweet old lady your business then to the neighbourhood stores who also sell floss buns. and her cake designs are gorgeous and unique, not cartoons or the normal flowery designs. if you are looking for something outstanding, classy and unique, you get your cake from her.

i got scolded from a "friend" last night. she asked about my wedding preps and when i told her i've not started on any, she screamed. "BUT YOU HAVE LESS THAN A YEAR LEFT!"

i got so mad.

i actually counted to before replying, "yes i know that. but i've just finised my final exams and awak will only finish his coursework in october, so we'll get down to business insya Allah after the fasting month. right now, we're prioritizing our studies/jobs"

and you know what she said?

"tu lah...abeh kalau dah tahu nak belajar, apasal gatal sangat nak kahwin?" (losely translates into "if you know you're gonna be busy studying, then why so itchy and go and get engaged?)

i didn't even bother to justify her question with an answer.

just because i didn't have invites to my engagement doesn't mean it was blessed by the ones i treasure most. just because i didn't have a dozen hantarans doesn't mean awak and i love each other any less. just because i only wore last year's hari raya baju kurung (which i've never worn before, btw) doesn't mean my family doesn't have class.

i'm happy with my engagement. happy with the food goodies that awak and i exchanged. happy that we took the load off each other to prepare for such a small event. happy that we got the blessings and well-wishes of our families for our relationship. happy that we got our priorities right.

i'm happy, damnit!

mind your own damn business.

Next Stop: ????

mood: wanting
music: life for rent - dido ("nothing i have is truly mine")

i want it. i want it bad.

so much hinges around it. i've been dreaming about it for years...and ever since it came into my life, i got to know it like a fish gets to know water. i need it desperately. i think about it all the time. it consumes me, always. i get upset when other people have it. i want it too! i can do it just as well as they can and i'd like to think that i can do it well.

aaaarrrrgggghhhh....so frustrating! i want it!

well anyway...thanks to giggly who has a wedding in sept...we can forget about CHIANGMAI! darn it! i was sooooo looking forward to it! ok tak per gang...how about sibu 6-8 sept? i know i know...but we can get a real rest for once...and experience the sun(burn), the sand(flies) and the sea(sickness)....all in one go! howwabout it?

awak and i are having a lil' tiff. ok wait...is it a tiff if we can't stay on the phone longer than a minute without quarelling about something? and what is it called if we both choose to make a conscious decision to not talk about something coz deliberating on it any further would cause both to be hurt, angry and upset? *sigh*

awak...i'd rather talk to you about happy stuff then silly stuff. why waste our time on things that we don't know anything about? i told you once and i am telling you again and i will keep telling you. i appreaciate you, baby....no matter what happens (or in this case, doesn't happen).

i suprised my special angel yesterday. but then again, i always do.

D-oh!

mood: drowsee...really...
music: scars - papa roach ("my scars remind me that the past is real")

what a week...

started off with nadzy's nikah. it was very sweet! they were in pink! hats off to the groom for daring to wear pink and appear manly in it on your nikah day!!! well done and congrats guys! but nadzy...we're still going chiangmai in sept hur hur hur...

we also caught fantastic four...the movie was way tooooooo short. it has to be looooonger. at least loooooonger than batman boring begins. i really enjoyed the company of the sohabahs it's always good to be around people who love you and who make you feel good about being good.

we also managed to pop by sgh and visit dr fever's mommy. when i saw her...she took my breath away. the lady has shrunk. her eyes has lost her sparkle and no longer can i see the grace and dignity this lady once had. but the worst part was when dr fever himself arrived. the fact that she was surrounded by her loved ones. the way dr fever stroked her and greeted her. the way his hand never left hers even when he was chatting with us. it was tooo much for me. i had to make my way to the loo and calm myself down. the tears just came naturally. "get a grip" i said to myself as i washed my face a lil' bit.

so God, thank You for all that You have given. the good, the bad, the happiness, the sadness, the joys, the griefs...all came from You.

and thanks for the sohabahs. sohabahs stay with you for life. through school, death, births, new people coming and going, failed relationships, marriages, break ups...they stick around, providing much needed constancy in this ever changing landscape.

thank you my dear sohabahs. even though you all are awak's girlfriends. even though when we're together the bimbo meter reading goes off the charts.

Dear God, I Thank You

mood: got such thing as praying mood?
music: fall to pieces - avril lavinge ("you're the only one i'd be with till the end when i come undone you will bring me back again")

i wanna blog about awak.

i think to awak, i am insane. sometimes downright crazy. i dun eat seafood, will order chicken most of the time, will only drink ice cold pokka green tea, hate shopping, even for things i need. i will remember things better than he does, so unfortunately that will make me remember when something is not done or when promises are not met. when i'm pmstic, i will turn into a crybaby and turn on the tap at the slightest thing.

of all my traits i can be demanding, unreasonable, selfish and downright sarcastic. and awak seems to bear the brunt of things. it's tiring for me to have to explain to him all of my emotions, but i guess it must be equally frustrating for him to get whammed by me left right centre upside down.

but...God is fair. just as i am blessed with a good memory, awak can forget things. he forgets when i've been unreasonably stubborn one day and still wakes me up the next morning with "hello dear!" sometimes he speaks to me in that baby voice that he uses only with me. he has this instinct where he will get me stuff that at first glance i think "oh my god what's this for" only to find that later i actually find it coming useful at times of need. his gift of being calm and collected when i'm falling apart.

i'm like a kite. and awak is my string. he lets me soar into the heights, but he will always keep me attached and grounded so i know my footing. he holds me tightly so i dun get lost in turbulant winds and violent storms. he decorates me, so i look good when i shine. he gives me freedom to be myself in my space, but always pulls me close when i charter into dangerous territory.

i know awak loves me. and the years we've been together are not proof of that - rather, they are a testament of the everyday things that he does to express the love, appreciation and respect he has for me. he loves me, faults and all.

so i thank Him. for granting me His Love, His Peace and His Tranquility thru awak.

The Mango Juice That Wasn't

mood: all studied out
music: total eclipse of the heart - bonnie tyler (once upon a time i was falling in love but now i'm only falling apart)

been good study leave period. much less eventful as the previous one, but at least no earthquakes this time round...*phew...*

friday had dinner with the office peeps. had secret recipe with joz and fion...hahaha...thanks ladies, missed our time together and thanks for telling me that secret receipe is now halal! yaaay!!! can finally have desserts there!

saturday's night out with the sohabah was hilarious! i can still see the waiter's face when i told him the glass he just served me did not hold the mango juice i'd asked for. i still cannot believe he went back to the kitchen and brought out a bottle label "MANGO JUICE" and insisted that it was mango...the glass went round the table and everyone agreed with me...it was not! hahaha...i cannot believe he went back to kitchen to get the bottle. as if it proved anything.

sunday did a very weird thing. had to deliver the essays to prlect at ttsh. i tell you guys...she calls me again, i'm so diverting my line to any one of you guys. I HAVE NIGHTMARES about this woman!!! *shudder*...never again. period.

went to courts and imm with awak on sunday. he wanted to look at furniture. for his house. for when we stay over. hahaha...dear, still a long way away! we shld wait for end of season sale, christmas sale...lots more places we've not been ok? so awak agreed, we surveyed the market and see what was available and do our research now. otherwise when the time comes, we might not be as prepared. even today's walkabout at ikea gave us more ideas as to what will do with our love nest...

actually, i'm pretty ok with anything. i mean, anything goes, man! really...so awak will decide as long as he incorporates my specs into the purchase. for example, i'd like a couch that has a washable cover. my wardrobe has to have A LOT of storage space and my kitchen cabinet has to be a bright colour so that when my chicken is burning, i can see that it's blacker than usual so i don't set off the sprinkler system....

but of course, awak always makes it a "we" decision, consult and conquer!

Ransomless Kidnapping

mood: tired but happie!music: kepadaMu kekasih - m.nasir (apakah Kau akan menerima ku dalam keadaan begini" / "will You accept me in this state")

today's PR paper was rubbish. i will not be suprised if we're all made to either re-sit the paper or make it up with some sort of assignment. now that's stupid. em dee eye yes, you'd better clean up your stuff and get your act together before the auditors come a'knocking.

*hhrrmph*

spent the entire afternoon with giggly. dropped the car off at champion for its first 1k servicing (mileage was at 1583 when i drove it in) and headed to SIM for lunch. been wanting to eat there for some time now...and finally got my fix...hehehee! it was a huge lunch! and a nice chat. a nice looooooong one. about men. life. work. people. virginity, etc...

did zuhr at mss and went back to pick up the car before zipping down to pick zackeroos at her school and headed for east coast. with my newly purchased woollen picnic mat (it was a bargain at seven bucks!) we sat down near the beach and watch the sun go down. talked, laughed, posed, planned for chiangmai...till twilight peeked over the horizon and ushered in maghrib. we left fully satisfied and with love in our hearts. thanks my deah sohabahs...THIS SATURDAY WE ROCK!! heeheee....

oh yeah by the way...abu, boleh kenal kenal? *guffaws*

Stoopeedeetee

mood: crazy cramming
music: fix you - coldplay ("when you try your best but you don't succeed when you get what you want but not what you need when you feel so tired but you can't sleep")

how many times must we go thru this?

PEOPLE LISTEN UP! friendship is a verb. you work at it. you nuture it. you cultivate it, you take care of it, you make sure it's well oiled and can face any bumps on the road. in return, it will bring you peace, joy and love.

so for fish's sake...I GET IT. i know of all the roles i have to play: daughter, fiancee, wife, whatever! and i know what exactly are expected on me when i'm playing these roles.

so what you are married? when you weren't you had to keep reminding me that you're with him now and that your priorities are different. now that you're married you have to do the same?you are not the first woman to get married, nor are you the last to get married. PEOPLE GET MARRIED! THEY DO IT EVERYDAY! no biggie!

yes yes i hear the rest of you..."be understanding, she just got married, it's the honeymoon period..." which is why i will continue. on the grounds that you are a friend. a sohabah. which i treasure.

don't insult my intelligence. don't insult me.

Cheap Cheap Flights To Heathrow

mood: oh so much lighter...
music: look what you've done - jet ("give me back my point of view coz i just can't think for you")

it is done. all my assignments are in as of last night 11.30pm. *sheesh*

mother as usual nagged at me for having to go bukit panjang then jurong then tanah merah then sengkang, all in the name of submitting the assignment. "good...buat lagi kerja last minute." err..hello mother...how was i to know fred's gone in camp?...well, anyway...it's ok. that's that and i'm just relieved that it is over. now will break for study leave and exams then i will be done. insya Allah.

*hmn...interesting. remember wat happened during the last study leave?*

june draws to a close. in many ways, it can be considered the most happening month since the start of this year, beating even may! i was bombarded in so many ways...my heart was tested, the will of my faith was tried, my brains were picked at,my ability at work was being questioned, my responsibilities are home were forgotten, my bank account hovered dangerously low, my driving's gone from uber terok to bad...AND WORST OF ALL awang is still missing!!!!

*sigh*....Thank You God, for reminding me of the more important things that i have to do as Your servant on this earth. now can You grant me the wisdom to have good time management? i dunno what's wrong with me. back in school i was excellent at time management! always ended up the chaser, chased groupmates for work, chased people for commitment and stuff...not forgetting i was a full time volunteer at darul...how on earth did i do it?

lost me mojo man...i realised i've lost my essence. my spirit is gone. and that's bad news. i need to go on a quest to find my spirit. soon. now. chiangmai is not soon enough.

saw something interesting this morning. was walking along raffles exchange where there's a long advertisement on british airways. and along the path were two angmohs dressed as BA's captains and they were holding out banners promoting cheap direct flights to heathrow. and so typical of s'poreans, most of us zoomed past them, apparently all headed to work and not giving them any attention at all. it prompted one of the captains to comment to this lady in front of me, "well, you're in a hurry aren't you?" and she just nodded and smiled. at least i dug my head out of my red rabbit's paperback and said good morning to him!

both the captains had this bemused expression on their face. they must be sooooo amused that the scene that was moving around them at that time was eerily resembling the one in japan, where thousands of commuters squeezed in sardine cans passing off as trains and all of them looked alike and walked in the same direction.

told awak he must work hard and makes lotsa moolah so i can retire at 25.

Empty Vessels Make The Most Noise

mood: stagnant
music: pure - lightning seeds ("now you're crying in your sleep i wish you'd never learnt to weep")

*sigh*

oh so true.

listen up...families are important. they define you. you can't ditch them like you ditch pals who do crappy stuff. nope. you are stuck with them. so...dumbo....make the best outta the situation. take it in your stride. learn to let things go lah. *takes a deep breath*. and work? tough crap. no one said it was gonna be easy. welcome to the real world. teachers never mentioned it, mentors tried to be optimistic about it.

i have GOT to learn to let go. awak is very good at this.

why do i always choose to walk around with heaviness in my heart? i worry too much about things that i don't have control over and i always forget to see the bigger picture. i keep saying i wished things were different or if only i'd done that....cannot keep living like this. serious. regret is not a good thing.

must always be thankful with the gifts He has showered on me. i have a home, parents who love me enough to nag constantly, a sister and a brother who appreciate me enough to seek me out, a man who loves me, along with my many flaws, a job that keeps me honest and my faith, that keeps me on the Straight Path.

but i still feel empty. why?

You Live, You Learn

mood: all crapped out
music: you're an ocean - fastball ("nothing in my life ever came with a guarantee")

having a wee bit of down time here...shall blog a bit abt the days gone by.

it has been insane. with the pitch and the steer briefing, things keep spiralling outta control and well...just generally insane! BUT the mature person always learns from the lessons that comes to her, so that i shall attempt to do here.

in the past 96 hours i have learnt:

you must trust your boss. the moment you can't, get out.

have faith in yourself and in what you can do, and don't let nobody tell you otherwise.
laughing can help relieve tension headaches.

when working in a team, believe in your mates and motivate them constantly. like encouraging them to show off their leggy limbs or or calling them handsome first thing in the morning.

if you don't know the answer to a question, be the first to admit it. if the questioner isn't happy, tough.

learn to identify good advice. understand that it can come from anyone, anytime.

apparently, while at work, you not only need to do work, but appear to be doing work. go figure.

it doesn't hurt to be polite. you'll never know.

some people have no respect for structures, systems and procedures. sucks for them, but always stay true to your own work ethics.

animals might run away from home *sob* but that doesn't mean they love you any less.

chocolates are a quick pick-me-up for when your stress levels reach an unbearable high.

if you need help, reach out. "don't be afraid to be weak. don't be too proud to be strong".

when in doubt, always turn to Him.

no wait....ALWAYS turn to Him, no need to wait for doubt to disrupt your mind and consume your being.

anyone else got learning points to share?

The Movie Is About Blacks, Jews, Girls And Fathers

mood: inspired!!! (must check out the movie liberty heights)
music: tilll i hear it from you - gin blossoms ("i don't wanna take advice from fools, i'll just figure everything is cool, until i hear it from you...")

picked brother and mother up from kkh and jrl earlier. awak wanted to take me out to dinner but, sorry baby...duty calls. i need to buy a sign that says "T-A-X-I" and put it on top of the car. then i need to get a sign that say "CHANGING SHIFT" and "CHOA CHU KANG". oh and if you see a taxi fare meter selling along desker road or something please buy it for me, yeah? need to start charging soon...hehehe....

came back and tried to get awak on the phone...but awak not answering...hmn...

anyway it's past 1am on a sat morning...watching this friday night movie on channel five. it's called liberty heights. anyone caught it before? it's really good. script's fantastic, cinematography breathe taking, plot masterful! darn...i wanna make such a movie. and such a gem to come across it on this friday night! the last time i decided to wait up for the friday night movie, also caught another gem...simon birch. a very early work of jim carey...*sob*...now THAT was a touching movie.

phurr asked me online today how i was doing...and i told her...taking it one day at a time. and her reply went straight to my heart.

phurrgin@gmail.com says:
coz moving on does not equate to forgeting one who has passed on earlier

i will never forget. never. always in my prayers. all who have went ahead in their journey. may i be as blessed as thee when He calls, insya Allah.

Yada Yada Yada...Yeah Whatever!

mood: i know i said i've turned over a new leaf...but boy is this new leaf angry!!!
music: how could this happen to me - simple plan ("i try to make a sound but no one hears me")

i'm mad. crazy angry. i feel like i'm trapped under layers and layers of papers and each time i find my footing and think i can claw my way out, i just fall back down the rubble. they will come and shower more and more paper for me to sieve through. yes...that is what i am. a professional paper pusher. sitting around waiting for the powers that be to agree on who will front what and who will get to clock the damn KPI and who will make the presentation.

oh for crying out loud...just agree on something already!!! and don't pretend to ask for my opinion when you blardy know it doesn't count. and everytime i speak, stop looking at me like you're ready to pounce, hoping that i'd say something stupid.

have we all lost our focus here? they are throwing money at us, for fish's sake, and here we are arguing on who gets to spend how much and how come they get to spend more...HELLO! in case you haven't noticed, the money is NOT FOR YOU! it's for the people out there who really need help and they actually have mouths to feed!!! unlike you who drive to work and live in a condo and play golf every weekend and take intercontinental holidays every year!

fine...! i know you work hard for your money. heck...who doesn't? (actually, i know of people who are skiving at work daily but that's story for another blog ranting)...but all this haggling is RIDICULOUS!

*aaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!*

ok.........i'm done griping.

so much for wanting to smile and laugh again...*hrrmph!*

well...awak did make me chuckle. coz i told him "dear i feel so stewpid when they make me do stewpid stuff" and he went "that's good, then. coz the people who make you feel stewpid by doing stewpid stuff are stewpid-er themselves".

ok he actually said it in malay and it really sound much funnier there...but you catch my drift. and he tried. awak always gets points for trying.

: )

Eyes Cried Shut

mood: not seeing very well
music: everybody hurts - r.e.m ("well everybody hurts sometimes, everybody cries.")

woke up this morning with a papabear of a headache. went to the miror and got the shock of my life..."WHO'S THAT?!" i said...hah! almost couldn't recognize myself with the swollen eyes. i looked like...(was thinking of a truck reference, but wtf...)

ok wait a minute. i said i was gonna move on get over it right? ok ok trying...trrrryiiiing. *takes a deep breath*

chatted with ice for a 'lil bit last night. thanks girl. even though it was very very very sad, i think we both took a bit away from that. i found some comfort, dearie. thanks. you are an amazingly strong person and i know i can always lean on you... : ) we should meet up more often. we don't talk enough.

a friend suggested i call my special angel to close all loops. the friend said that since i'm on an i've-turned-over-a-new-leaf binge, i should be able to talk to my special angel. the friend had read this blog and said i had to let go and move on and that it was "part of my rehabilitation process". *ahaks*...that's a load of bull, friend. but i did it anyway...i called my special angel and we talked for a bit. as usual, my special angel was kind and always ready with a listening ear and knew what to say. i have faith in my special angel. and i do not regret the call. i'm glad i know my special angel. even if we're dimensions apart.

awak...i know you are very tired and you're going thru some tough times. i'm here for you, always always. thanks for protecting me from the pain and shielding me from the hurt...so trust me when i say all this pain and hurt i'm feeling are self-inflicted.

i promise i will soon smile and laugh again.

how not to, when you're around to colour my world?

Hello Good Afternoon. Wayang Drama Agency. Khai Speaking.

mood: tired of the phone! i swear...if i have to answer it ONE MORE TIME!
music: dialah di hati (He is in my heart) - siti nurhaliza ("selagi jantungku berdegup hingga tiba saat terhenti Dialah di hati" / "as long as my heart beats to the very end He is in my heart")

mondays are supposed to be a fresh start. i like mondays. but of course i sure miss the weekend, but monday's cool.

with all the recent lessons He has sent my way, it'll be blardee stupid if i don't wake up and realize any day is another gift from Him. another day to repent and start afresh. another day to make amends. be a good girl. a good muslim. be worthy to be Rasullulah's ummah. make mother and father proud. give the best to awak.

that's why i've decided to come to work on monday as a new person. i promise to take in all challenges my way in good stride. policy impediments, economic cycles and financial downturns mean nothing to me; i will do my bestest best to change what little i can in my time here in the wayang drama agency.

here, i'd also like to declare that i want to be a better person. a better friend also. yes i know i talk too much too honest. so please, help me be a better person and remind me of my mistakes? lemme know where i've err and knock some sense into me. yes i am stubborn and suffering from chronic middle-child syndrome, but sit me down and i will listen and learn.

to all the people i have been resenting all this while, i'm sorry. i was going nowhere with all the resentment, hostility and anger felt towards you...so i've decided to let it all go. i've been so blind...why hate when you can love? why be mad when you can breathe? why be pissed when you can smile?

so God, ok lesson learnt, yes? only for You i will be a better person.

At The Right Place At The Wrong Time

mood: numb
music: cinta jangan kau pergi - sheila majid ("cinta jangan kau pergi tinggalkan diriku sendiri" / love don't you leave me all by myself" )

sent the last cheque to champion motors earlier today...that's the last of it i hope.

on the way back travelled down jurong town hall road towards boon lay way. stopped at the junction of teban gardens.

then a strange feeling came over me. i looked down at the road and there was a lot of debris. wires.plastic pipes. tiny pieces of glass that glistened in the afternoon sun. then my eyes wandered to the traffic light...then i saw it.

a blue sign. on it were the words "FATAL ACCIDENT. SUNDAY, 29 MAY, 12.59PM".
then it was a cartoon pic of a bike and a crash sign and a vehicle. and the words "eyewitnesses please call 1800-something."

then it dawned on me. it was the junction. where the accident happened. my body immediately went rigid. awak must have noticed for he turned around and looked at me. his eyes followed mine and he saw what i was looking at. he nodded and gave me a reassuring tap on my knee.

i said another prayer for zul. one of many more to come, insya Allah. it's true that death leaves a mark on all of us. its effect is all-consuming and will make anyone tremble deep inside, for they know that it is a real thing, as He has promised that it will come to every being.

and dear toots, we all feel the same about death. but do not be afraid of it, my dear. embrace it and know that it is all part of His plan. this life on earth is but temporal; He has better things in store for us in the next realm, insya Allah.

i take comfort in my words too. coz i understand, all those whom left before me didn't really leave. i envy them, for they have reached their destination. me...i have yet to find my way there.

I Am In A Perpetual Need Of A Holiday! But It's Still Too Soon

mood: cold turkey as a result of withdrawal from travelling
music:

hahahahahah....there. i am laughing my head off. prlect actually said she thought we did a good job. if only she knew! omg...kudos to fiomoe, "frankie" and prev. ok it's obvious: we rock! here's to the next presentation and the big pitch! : )

i am now towards the end of blogging this entry and tears are streaming down my face. i intended to blog about the chiangmai escapade...but...suddenly...

was chatting to phurggin about zul. i can't explain it...but i feel this extreme feeling of loss. again...i barely knew him. watever the heck gave me the right to cry and mourn over him? he was a good boy...everytime i forget or it passes me by, i think hey it must be ok...then the realization hits me. he's gone. he really is. and then the cycle starts all over again. so many emotions...started chatting with phurgin and it all came storming back.

Dear God, bless him. Accept all of his deeds and forgive all of his mistakes. Dear God, may he rest in peace and be among those whom You love and who love You, God. may the things that he left behind be blessed for him. and may we meet again in the other realm.

think i just need to cry for a while.

Sighing...I Am So Sighing...

mood: got such thing as a sighing mood?
music: everything you want - vertical horizon ("i say all the right things at exactly the right time but i mean nothing to you and i don't know why)

i have been sighing the whole day.

yeah sure they say it's a bad thing to sigh. cepat tua or something...but i can't help it! it's been one rotten day and with my theory discussion tonight, it's about to get rottener. jiap and dhill can't help but laugh at me when i'm in mid-sigh...which pretty much cracks me up : ) i love 'em...y'know? they're like a breath of fresh air around this stale 18th floor crap trap.

i have nothing to grumble about, right? sure, things may look pointless and gloomy at this juncture, but i think it will get better. i have a roof on top of my head, a home to go back to, not one but two adowable cats who love me unconditionally...what more can a girl want?

actually we all want the same things, don't we? we want to be loved, appreciated, respected, honoured, the whol works. will any man step up to the challenge and provide the above said things?

on a seperate note, i miss my special angel. my nights are a lot quieter since my special angel left and i haven't found anything that can fill the void that my special angel left behind. my special angel is now off and away, trying to make the world a better place, so i know my special angel is doing good. you see, that's what my special angel does best. restores my faith in the goodness of people. but now that my special angel is not around anymore, i'd have to do it myself. will i have the strength?

chiangmai...i really wanna go to you...i cannot wait for september to come and i hope that this trip would not be bubbled (*HINT HINT*). i simply can't wait to go rafting down your white waters and sleep under your stars...cannot wait!!!