Is There Something Wrong With Me

mood: oh so lazy
music: these words - natasha bedingfield ("these words are my own from my heart flown i love you")

skipped to a friend's blog and in her links area, i'm listed as "Mrs-Awak-to-be". and all the other people on her links area are listed as such too, Mrs-Somebody or Mr-Someone. so the kaypoh in me clicked at random, just to peep into these people's world.

and every blog i read about was on love. these people's lives with the other halfs. it made me feel weird that i don't blog about awak everyday...and looking back thru my recent entries, i realized i've not blogged about awak in quite a while!

*panic button activated*

err...is there cause for alarm? truth be told...i've not seen awak for about three days now, and the last time was when he saw my back as i walked off from an arguement. yes yes...i know that was a sucky thing to do, walking away does not solve things, i know and if he did it, i would have flown into a rage and pulled him back by his ear! but i felt like i was losing control and it was far better to walk away than to say what was at the tip of my tongue. (it would have made foul-mouthed sailors blush)

so till today we're chilling. both our ego are about wounded from the beating and i hope this has taught us a lesson. that when two people are in love, they will hurt each other more. have respect for the people you love, peeps. respect them and trust that they know what they are doing, and respect them enough to always be honest. respect them as human beings who may make mistakes, and respect them as the people who will be putting you to bed at night when you fall asleep drooling in front of the teevee.

so in honour of awak, and to absolve my guilt, i'm reposting this to remind me what a fantastic baby i have, and thank God for him.

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mood: got such thing as praying mood?
music: fall to pieces - avril lavinge ("you're the only one i'd be with till the end when i come undone you will bring me back again")

i wanna blog about awak.

i think to awak, i am insane. sometimes downright crazy. i dun eat seafood, will order chicken most of the time, will only drink ice cold pokka green tea, hate shopping, even for things i need. i will remember things better than he does, so unfortunately that will make me remember when something is not done or when promises are not met. when i'm pmstic, i will turn into a crybaby and turn on the tap at the slightest thing.

of all my traits i can be demanding, unreasonable, selfish and downright sarcastic. and awak seems to bear the brunt of things. it's tiring for me to have to explain to him all of my emotions, but i guess it must be equally frustrating for him to get whammed by me left right centre upside down.

but...God is fair. just as i am blessed with a good memory, awak can forget things. he forgets when i've been unreasonably stubborn one day and still wakes me up the next morning with "hello dear!" sometimes he speaks to me in that baby voice that he uses only with me. he has this instinct where he will get me stuff that at first glance i think "oh my god what's this for" only to find that later i actually find it coming useful at times of need. his gift of being calm and collected when i'm falling apart.

i'm like a kite. and awak is my string. he lets me soar into the heights, but he will always keep me attached and grounded so i know my footing. he holds me tightly so i dun get lost in turbulant winds and violent storms. he decorates me, so i look good when i shine. he gives me freedom to be myself in my space, but always pulls me close when i charter into dangerous territory.

i know awak loves me. and the years we've been together are not proof of that - rather, they are a testament of the everyday things that he does to express the love, appreciation and respect he has for me. he loves me, faults and all.

so i thank Him. for granting me His Love, His Peace and His Tranquility thru awak.

NBC 23/09/2005 - 24/09/2005

happy early birthday, bananaz and asap! and thanks to the fantastic 6+1 for a FANTASTIC weekend.

Down By The Sea

mood: stagnant
music: my favourite mistake - sheryl crow ("did you know could you tell you were the only one")

just got back from tangkak/melaka yesterday and now it's back to work. i have got to stop taking these weekend getaways, man...sunday night is not a good day to come back from holiday...

but anyway...alhamdulillah...all's well and that's about it for weddings, as far as my family goes. the next to be married is moi...and she's not even in the mood to discuss that.

for the first time since the longest time the whole family was there. my family was complete. father, mother, sister, brother in law, nephew, brother, me and and awak. (ok well techincally he's not part of the family yet lah but he's getting there. and he is such an auntie-killer!)

my most vivid recollection of this picture perfect moment was on saturday night where we had dinner at this food place near pantai klebang. under the stars, by the sea and a couple of confused waiters, we had a perfect dinner. just us. the entire family complete.

bliss...when can we do this again?

I'm Hot Tempered. Who Loves Me?

mood: don't care-ish
music: out of my head - fastball ("how could i have ever been so blind")

the past two days have been insane. and all thanks to lifeguards.

i tell myself everyday...i must be strong and make the best of the situation that i am in. there is no point in trying to beat the system. some things are beyond our control, yes, i concede that.

but my dear friends, please accept that i cannot and never will be a "yes-man". that is my principle. i will fight. i will put all my cards on the table and i will push and bulldoze my way around if i know that i am on the right side. and i don't care what happens to me in the process, so long as the bigger picture is served. and i can do this because i know what is and what is not important to me. i know that at the end of the day we will all be held accountable for our actions and that makes me responsible.

and i'm sorry, baguana, for being too assertive. i pushed you too hard and i kick myself for that. i need to learn tact, right? yes...so that shall be my OJT for the next couple of weeks. you can claim $8 per hour from IFD. just need to write BRAC paper for IAA to approve. sure get one ok?
: )

You Bloody Racist!

mood: justified
music: let it be - the beatles ("and when the broken hearted people living in the world agree there will be an answer")

today two bloggers were charged for making racist comments online.

under the sedition act of 1948, two men were brought into the district court for making racist comments on malays and muslims. if convicted, they may face a jail term of three years and a $5000 fine.

justice is served.

was it?

whatever lah.

i came across a racist blog the other day, and had a serious discussion with xlrc. of course, he told me what i had always known, but hearing it being said to my face sort of woke me up.

we all have to live with some sort of prejudice and racism, even here in this cozy place we call home. the indians have to live with the fact that people think they are smelly. the malays have to live with the fact that people think they are lazy. the chinese have to live with the fact that people think they are greedy. so what?

yes...humans aren't perfect. actually He created us perfect; we're the ones who destroyed our lives and eroded our values. so anyway...we temporal beings must live with one another in harmony, if not we'll get ourselves extinct. so the point is, we have to learn to live with ourselves. and if you think this is a very politically correct answer, you're wrong.

this is the perfect answer. racial tolerance is such a silly concept. look at the word tolerance! who says i have to tolerate smoky piles of paper burning during the seventh month? who says i have to tolerate the incessant banging of gongs and drums and chanting when there's a funeral at the void deck? i don't tolerate it. i understand it and i accept it. so, my dearest xlrc, i am not being politically correct. i am being honest, coz god knows if i were to try to tolerate the differences that we have to face in singapore, sooner or later i will give up on this system.

yes it's hard. but that's the price to pay.

ps: xlrc, i have to admit it. when i was chatting to you about how generally people here act on their prejudice, you said that it's because the race perpetuates the prejudice. and i agreed with you. i thought that it was unfair for people to judge other based on stereotypes and preconceived notions, to which you replied "hey my girl, life isn't fair".

i felt mad. i wanted to scream at you "when has life ever been unfair to you?!"

just earlier this week i knew when.

and i feel rotten about even feeling the way i did. so i'm sorry.

that's what the apology is for.

Willing To Talk

ANNOUNCEMENT

i'm looking for malay / muslims homosexuals (male or female) under the age of 32 who will be willing to talk to me (or at least email) for a feature story in a local magazine for teenagers. only the real name and contact numbers of the individuals will be disclosed to the writer (which is me) or my editor. strictly no photographs will be used, and pseudonyms will be used in the article.

if you know of any such individuals, please do email me at whynotaai@yahoo.com

Down Time

THE FANTASTIC SIX plus ONE

clockwise from left: asap, coffeebean, chups, bananaz, baguana, viva and ranj

(just some of the peeps who make my life much more beareable at work)

photo courtesy of asap.

Boo Freaking Hoo

mood: grr
music: untitled - simple plan ("so i try to hold on to a time when nothing mattered")

i want to stand on top of a mountain and curse. a lot. and using as much vile and disgusting vulgarities as i can muster. and don't any of you peeps use the c-word or the f-word in front of me...please. i swear i will explode.

it'll be very easy to be upset and get angry. even if i feel violated and taken advantage of, i am powerless to change it.

let's face it. the whole bunch of us in the c-word based division is screwed. what re-org? as far as we can see, this is simply a transfer of division. the people who were hired for a specific function are now forced to perform another function, or better yet, sit down and play rookie to the other people who have been doing the function a lot longer. and there goes a wealth of experience and knowledge. i'm so darn tired. making excuses for people and convincing myself that it's going to be alright.

life is not fair. right. i get it. but who saw this coming?

it's not going to be alright. i'm so screwed.

seriously...wake me up when september ends.