Sunday, June 12, 2011
And The Rain Comes Pouring Down
And The Rain Comes Pouring Down
it's wednesday 8 june 2011 2309 hrs. it's pouring outside and i've just hung my laundry out to dry. all three babies are asleep...and as for me, will i ever learn not to take green tea after 5pm?
i've just finished isya prayers and yes, with the rain outside, i sincerely pray that Allah grants my doa. isn't it funny that whatever you ask for may not be good for you, and what you don't want may be what He has destined for you? such is the test of one's faith, to have belief in The Ultimate Planner.
it's my 10th day of holiday which means i have spent 10 days cleaning the house (seriously, i hate cleaning!) and 9 home cooked meals (because that 1 day was sunday and we had a huge lunch at a family's jemputan which served ayam percik).
i have 20 days left before the next insane semester starts again and from what i've been told from the senior, the past semester was going to be child's play compared to the horror to come. i seriously do not know how i'm going to cope with the increasing workload. Allah grant me the strength to get through this, please.
do you think that it's wrong to think about the past? about how things were different? about the choices you made that got you where you are today? how you wished you had done differently, made different decisions? hindsight is always 20-20 they say...the trick is finding the power to make your situation better, right?
yes there are days i think back and wonder how different my life could be.
it's wednesday 8 june 2011 2309 hrs. it's pouring outside and i've just hung my laundry out to dry. all three babies are asleep...and as for me, will i ever learn not to take green tea after 5pm?
i've just finished isya prayers and yes, with the rain outside, i sincerely pray that Allah grants my doa. isn't it funny that whatever you ask for may not be good for you, and what you don't want may be what He has destined for you? such is the test of one's faith, to have belief in The Ultimate Planner.
it's my 10th day of holiday which means i have spent 10 days cleaning the house (seriously, i hate cleaning!) and 9 home cooked meals (because that 1 day was sunday and we had a huge lunch at a family's jemputan which served ayam percik).
i have 20 days left before the next insane semester starts again and from what i've been told from the senior, the past semester was going to be child's play compared to the horror to come. i seriously do not know how i'm going to cope with the increasing workload. Allah grant me the strength to get through this, please.
do you think that it's wrong to think about the past? about how things were different? about the choices you made that got you where you are today? how you wished you had done differently, made different decisions? hindsight is always 20-20 they say...the trick is finding the power to make your situation better, right?
yes there are days i think back and wonder how different my life could be.
Aper Dah Jadi...?
Aper Dah Jadi...?
hai lah kasem...aper dah jadi...
yes so i had the proverbial mid life crisis and decided i didn’t want to keep doing what i was doing for the rest of my life. so very gatal and decided to change careers, starting from scratch all over again. thinking that it’d make me happy, if i were doing something really meaningful with my life. it was exactly this kind of wishful thinking that brought me here today. Feeling lower than plankton’s poop.
i’m supposedly supposed to be having my reading week (studying week lah tu) and exams are on next monday and thursday. not forgetting the trauma of the paper ones last week, i now have to study and delve deeper into the subjects covered there in greater detail for the paper twos. yup, macam tak cukup gitu kan? my two main subjects are anatomy & physiology and linguistics. hahah no prizes for guessing which i thought i would do better in...but guess what? both are equally tough! Or it could just be me, strangely slow in picking things up? Or it is my brain, less plastic after leaving school for so many years?
i am so tired. truly.
but nope! shan’t talk about that today. let’s try to survive my first semester, and i’ll see if i’m not too traumatised to share....
hmn...let’s look at the bright side and appreciate the gifts from God, shall we? my two tots...are a complete handful. amirhamzacubitbarutahu seems to discover new ways of testing my patience, while amnihanaagigitbarutahu is fast learning new ways of buat muka kesian.
i’m running out of ways to threaten and punish them, mainly coz i’m such a big wuss and could never carry out the punishment that i threaten them with. yeah yeah i know that’s like the cardinal rule of parenting, right? i must mean what i say. yesterday i told amir hamza that if he said “bontot” one more time, i’ll put him in the store room, where all the “ghosts”, “cicaks” and “lipas” of our house resides. (now, i myself had this punishment inflicted upon me during my childhood days, but that’s story for another day).
soon enough, he said it and as soon as he did, looked at me with a half-amused, half-expectant expression on his face. perhaps it was a combination of my tiredness, or the weather, or my hungriness or the fact that amni hanaa was sucking on my knees at that time, i stood up. firmly pulled him to the store room and put him in it. lest u think i’m heartless, i didn’t shut the door lah, just kept it slightly ajar but he couldn’t push it open from inside.
yes he was crying and screaming, for the whole of the two minutes i left him there. amni hanaa being the ever so helpful little sister, waved at him from the gap in the door, konon nak comfort along dia lah. as soon as two minutes was up, i opened the door and sat down on the sofa. amir hamza came running out wailing “sorry ummi!” and immediately ran to me, expecting a hug. i really was in no mood to molly cuddle or kasi muka dengan dia and i wanted to re-establish my “parental prestige” (chey chey chey) with him. so i held him at an arm’s length and looked him in the eyes and told him what he did was wrong, and that i was very upset with him and so was Allah (we recently taught him the concept of Allah, and tak boleh kasi Allah marah, and Allah saying kita and kalau ikut cakap Allah, nanti dapat pahala, etc).
and i’m pleased to report that the offensive word has not been heard uttered since!
“Oh Allah, my children are rightfully Yours, loaned to me to test my life here in this world. Grant me the abilities to do right by them and carry out my responsibilities the best I know how. “
"And please also throw in some extra brain power for me to do well in my studies, please."
hai lah kasem...aper dah jadi...
yes so i had the proverbial mid life crisis and decided i didn’t want to keep doing what i was doing for the rest of my life. so very gatal and decided to change careers, starting from scratch all over again. thinking that it’d make me happy, if i were doing something really meaningful with my life. it was exactly this kind of wishful thinking that brought me here today. Feeling lower than plankton’s poop.
i’m supposedly supposed to be having my reading week (studying week lah tu) and exams are on next monday and thursday. not forgetting the trauma of the paper ones last week, i now have to study and delve deeper into the subjects covered there in greater detail for the paper twos. yup, macam tak cukup gitu kan? my two main subjects are anatomy & physiology and linguistics. hahah no prizes for guessing which i thought i would do better in...but guess what? both are equally tough! Or it could just be me, strangely slow in picking things up? Or it is my brain, less plastic after leaving school for so many years?
i am so tired. truly.
but nope! shan’t talk about that today. let’s try to survive my first semester, and i’ll see if i’m not too traumatised to share....
hmn...let’s look at the bright side and appreciate the gifts from God, shall we? my two tots...are a complete handful. amirhamzacubitbarutahu seems to discover new ways of testing my patience, while amnihanaagigitbarutahu is fast learning new ways of buat muka kesian.
i’m running out of ways to threaten and punish them, mainly coz i’m such a big wuss and could never carry out the punishment that i threaten them with. yeah yeah i know that’s like the cardinal rule of parenting, right? i must mean what i say. yesterday i told amir hamza that if he said “bontot” one more time, i’ll put him in the store room, where all the “ghosts”, “cicaks” and “lipas” of our house resides. (now, i myself had this punishment inflicted upon me during my childhood days, but that’s story for another day).
soon enough, he said it and as soon as he did, looked at me with a half-amused, half-expectant expression on his face. perhaps it was a combination of my tiredness, or the weather, or my hungriness or the fact that amni hanaa was sucking on my knees at that time, i stood up. firmly pulled him to the store room and put him in it. lest u think i’m heartless, i didn’t shut the door lah, just kept it slightly ajar but he couldn’t push it open from inside.
yes he was crying and screaming, for the whole of the two minutes i left him there. amni hanaa being the ever so helpful little sister, waved at him from the gap in the door, konon nak comfort along dia lah. as soon as two minutes was up, i opened the door and sat down on the sofa. amir hamza came running out wailing “sorry ummi!” and immediately ran to me, expecting a hug. i really was in no mood to molly cuddle or kasi muka dengan dia and i wanted to re-establish my “parental prestige” (chey chey chey) with him. so i held him at an arm’s length and looked him in the eyes and told him what he did was wrong, and that i was very upset with him and so was Allah (we recently taught him the concept of Allah, and tak boleh kasi Allah marah, and Allah saying kita and kalau ikut cakap Allah, nanti dapat pahala, etc).
and i’m pleased to report that the offensive word has not been heard uttered since!
“Oh Allah, my children are rightfully Yours, loaned to me to test my life here in this world. Grant me the abilities to do right by them and carry out my responsibilities the best I know how. “
"And please also throw in some extra brain power for me to do well in my studies, please."
(backpost) Amni Hanaa - The Birth Story
Amni Hanaa - The Birth Story
she was born a month ago...so before i forget, this is the story of how she came into the world.
5 April 2010
1025hrs: 29 wks check-up with dr biswas. i told him i was feeling fine, no contractions nor show nor pain anywhere. my blood pressure was behaving. i simply complained that i was feeling really really tired all the time (hint! hint! read: put me on hospitalization leave until my EDD please) and so he did! a VE revealed that i have not dilated so he did some stretching or something and he said most probably he will see me again within the next 24hrs. i gleefully left the clinic announcing my hosp leave to colleagues and family. went home to rest and had a nice loooong nap.
6 April 2010
0530hrs: subh. abi asked how i was feeling and i said i was feeling perfectly fine. no contractions, no show, no water bag, nothing. just still very sleepy. so he went to work and i went back to sleep.
0630hrs: amir hamza kicked me out of bed. i got up and showered and got him ready to send him to cik tina's house.
0700hrs: came back from cik tina's place. started to feel funny.
0730hrs: ok now not so funny. i've never felt contactions during hamza's time, so i wasn't sure if this is it? sat down and tried to concentrate on the feelings. but cannot be! they're only 5 mins apart! should they get progressively faster? like 15mins...then 10 mins...then 5 mins? how come mine are already 5 mins apart?!
0747hrs: yup...these are contractions! confirm! steadily coming in 5 mins interval, lasting about 20 secs each time.
0803hrs: contractions are now about 40sec long. called NUH's delivery hotline where i told the nurse that i have GB6 and would need antibiotics at least 4hrs before delivery. she said to keep monitoring the contractions and my pain score. called and updated abi.
08421hrs: needed to pee. oh hello show! called the nurse again and she said to come in already. summoned abi home.
0930hrs: abi reached home and i called a cab. waiting at the lift lobby, i cursed the hdb scholar who approved the design of the estate to have such a stupid carpark and lift lobby layout. not the first time a taxi has problems reaching my lift lobby.
1000hrs: reached NUH Emergency. pushed to Ward 22 and registered. already 5cm dilated!
1100hrs: antibiotics? check! drip? check! say hello to the anesthesiologist who's here to give me my happydural. i told her the first guy who did it during hamza's time took FOUR tries to get it in. that's 8 jabs! she was shocked and promised to try to get it right the first time. i don't know about you, but getting the epidural very very very very painful. she got it in the 2nd attempt and apologized. apparently i have a small back and column there is kindda narrow.
1130hrs: rest time! told abi to have his lunch. i took the time to ngaji and zikr and relax.
1230hrs: abi came back from lunch (amboi! lunch hour ke pe?) bringing me a giant ice cold bottle of evian. since i'm not allowed any food, i gulped the water by the mouthful.
1245hrs: *sob* *sob* the happydural starts to wear off. feeling the contractions all over again...dr biswas came by and checked. i'm already at 8cm! strangely, despite all the water i was "sipping", i developed a dry throat which caused a coughing fit which led to me throwing up.
1315hr: my room was bustling with activity with various nurses coming and going. perhaps i was the only patient in active labour at that time. i heard a familar voice coming through the doors. it's nurse shefaly!!! she's a mid-career switch nurse whom i've worked with on many promotional activities. she's now a preceptor with the O&G dept and she has a bunch of students along with her today. she made arrangements for another preceptor to take her kids as she wanted to help me with my delivery. with my permission, she took two kids to stay with her and observe.
1330hrs: ok seriously...i can't tell when the contractions started and when it ended. it was just painful ALL THE TIME. abi had to look at the print-outs to tell me when one was coming. another coughing fit and i threw up again.
1345hrs: through all the pain and shivering i felt the need to buang air besar. the thought struck me as being hilarious. how can i be thinking of pooping at a time like this? and how can i want to poop when i haven't had anything since last night's dinner? ok then the ball drops and i realized what i was feeling was the need to push. haha!
1450hrs: dr biswas finally arrived. i was concentrating on the contractions and breathing and i was relatively calm. until i heard him say "scalpel." waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??????????? started to push. this time round i could hold the pushes for longer, up to 15 counts. but oh the pain...ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
1412hrs: out comes amni hanaa... : )
1413hrs: dr biswas started to deliver the placenta. my coughing fits worsened and i threw up the remaining water in my stomach. as dr biswas was sewing, i kept coughing and he had to stop, lest he ended up giving crooked stitches.
1415hrs: ok all done! thanked everyone and had my baby girl in my arms for the first time.
and that's how amni hanaa came into the world.
end note: ok i just realized i don't have a birth story for amir hamza! how did that happen? hah! ok next entry!
she was born a month ago...so before i forget, this is the story of how she came into the world.
5 April 2010
1025hrs: 29 wks check-up with dr biswas. i told him i was feeling fine, no contractions nor show nor pain anywhere. my blood pressure was behaving. i simply complained that i was feeling really really tired all the time (hint! hint! read: put me on hospitalization leave until my EDD please) and so he did! a VE revealed that i have not dilated so he did some stretching or something and he said most probably he will see me again within the next 24hrs. i gleefully left the clinic announcing my hosp leave to colleagues and family. went home to rest and had a nice loooong nap.
6 April 2010
0530hrs: subh. abi asked how i was feeling and i said i was feeling perfectly fine. no contractions, no show, no water bag, nothing. just still very sleepy. so he went to work and i went back to sleep.
0630hrs: amir hamza kicked me out of bed. i got up and showered and got him ready to send him to cik tina's house.
0700hrs: came back from cik tina's place. started to feel funny.
0730hrs: ok now not so funny. i've never felt contactions during hamza's time, so i wasn't sure if this is it? sat down and tried to concentrate on the feelings. but cannot be! they're only 5 mins apart! should they get progressively faster? like 15mins...then 10 mins...then 5 mins? how come mine are already 5 mins apart?!
0747hrs: yup...these are contractions! confirm! steadily coming in 5 mins interval, lasting about 20 secs each time.
0803hrs: contractions are now about 40sec long. called NUH's delivery hotline where i told the nurse that i have GB6 and would need antibiotics at least 4hrs before delivery. she said to keep monitoring the contractions and my pain score. called and updated abi.
08421hrs: needed to pee. oh hello show! called the nurse again and she said to come in already. summoned abi home.
0930hrs: abi reached home and i called a cab. waiting at the lift lobby, i cursed the hdb scholar who approved the design of the estate to have such a stupid carpark and lift lobby layout. not the first time a taxi has problems reaching my lift lobby.
1000hrs: reached NUH Emergency. pushed to Ward 22 and registered. already 5cm dilated!
1100hrs: antibiotics? check! drip? check! say hello to the anesthesiologist who's here to give me my happydural. i told her the first guy who did it during hamza's time took FOUR tries to get it in. that's 8 jabs! she was shocked and promised to try to get it right the first time. i don't know about you, but getting the epidural very very very very painful. she got it in the 2nd attempt and apologized. apparently i have a small back and column there is kindda narrow.
1130hrs: rest time! told abi to have his lunch. i took the time to ngaji and zikr and relax.
1230hrs: abi came back from lunch (amboi! lunch hour ke pe?) bringing me a giant ice cold bottle of evian. since i'm not allowed any food, i gulped the water by the mouthful.
1245hrs: *sob* *sob* the happydural starts to wear off. feeling the contractions all over again...dr biswas came by and checked. i'm already at 8cm! strangely, despite all the water i was "sipping", i developed a dry throat which caused a coughing fit which led to me throwing up.
1315hr: my room was bustling with activity with various nurses coming and going. perhaps i was the only patient in active labour at that time. i heard a familar voice coming through the doors. it's nurse shefaly!!! she's a mid-career switch nurse whom i've worked with on many promotional activities. she's now a preceptor with the O&G dept and she has a bunch of students along with her today. she made arrangements for another preceptor to take her kids as she wanted to help me with my delivery. with my permission, she took two kids to stay with her and observe.
1330hrs: ok seriously...i can't tell when the contractions started and when it ended. it was just painful ALL THE TIME. abi had to look at the print-outs to tell me when one was coming. another coughing fit and i threw up again.
1345hrs: through all the pain and shivering i felt the need to buang air besar. the thought struck me as being hilarious. how can i be thinking of pooping at a time like this? and how can i want to poop when i haven't had anything since last night's dinner? ok then the ball drops and i realized what i was feeling was the need to push. haha!
1450hrs: dr biswas finally arrived. i was concentrating on the contractions and breathing and i was relatively calm. until i heard him say "scalpel." waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??????????? started to push. this time round i could hold the pushes for longer, up to 15 counts. but oh the pain...ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
1412hrs: out comes amni hanaa... : )
1413hrs: dr biswas started to deliver the placenta. my coughing fits worsened and i threw up the remaining water in my stomach. as dr biswas was sewing, i kept coughing and he had to stop, lest he ended up giving crooked stitches.
1415hrs: ok all done! thanked everyone and had my baby girl in my arms for the first time.
and that's how amni hanaa came into the world.
end note: ok i just realized i don't have a birth story for amir hamza! how did that happen? hah! ok next entry!
(backpost) Amir Hamza - The Birth Story
Amir Hamza - The Birth Story
he is almost three! and before i start forgetting any details, this is the story of how he came into the world.
thurs 24 apr
lunch: went for a good lunch. my colleague casually mentioned that today i was extra neat, dusting my desk and putting away my things. : )
tea break: my neighbour pulak comment, "eh you are very neat today. your desk is not messy at all! you are making me nervous."
after dinner: feeling some cramps around my pelvic and abdomen but naively did not suspect anything. so innocent, right? continued to toss and turn the whole night through.
fri 25 apr
5am: woke up to pee. oh oh there's blood! just a bit, but but...*panic sekejap* (biasa lah, first time per...)
8am plus: heading for check-up at 10am with abi! stopped at macs to get an SME and iced milo. brother (pak supir for the day) and thither came to fetch us since she also had a check up around the same time at KKH. somewhat gleefully i updated them that hey maybe i've been having mini contractions throughout the night and my show came this morning! hahha..brother dropped me off at NUH and headed to KKH.
10am plus: yup, in labour! at 3cm dilated, dr biswas dispatched us upstairs to the delivery suites. the anaesthetist was there and ready to gimme my happydural. which was, until that point of time, THE MOST (and i am not exxagerating here) PAINFUL experience of my life and made me also prefer the pain of contractions that to be jabbed 8 times. hahahhah...
12pm plus: aby left for prayers, lunch and home to get our baby bag. blissfully and legally drugged, i drifted in and out of sleep, zikir-ing now and again. checked with the family too - ahaha! thither pun kena warded!
2pm: aby came back with some contraband (ice cold pokka green tea). i was not allowed any food...HUNGRY! 4 cm dilated. what!!! talked long and honestly with aby and laughed and tried to focus on what was happening.
6pm: dr biswas popped in for a quick visit. 6 cm only! time to break the water bag. now between this time and the actual birth, i lost all concept of being coz the pain was too much. they sneakily halved the happydural dosage so i'd know when to push, but for the life of me i couldn't feel anything other than pain in that general area! i remember abi holding me on one side and the nurse on the other. he kept saying, "ok dear last push. you can do it!" but it was the "last push" for probably around 100 times. oh and yeah! dr biswas pun so stern. at one point he actually said "don't cry. crying will not get you anywhere." !@#$%^&**!!
2346hrs: amir hamza came into this world. : ) both of us got cleaned up, dressed and moved to ward 96.
sat 26 apr
0912hrs: thither pun give birth finally...hello ilyas izzuddin!
he is almost three! and before i start forgetting any details, this is the story of how he came into the world.
thurs 24 apr
lunch: went for a good lunch. my colleague casually mentioned that today i was extra neat, dusting my desk and putting away my things. : )
tea break: my neighbour pulak comment, "eh you are very neat today. your desk is not messy at all! you are making me nervous."
after dinner: feeling some cramps around my pelvic and abdomen but naively did not suspect anything. so innocent, right? continued to toss and turn the whole night through.
fri 25 apr
5am: woke up to pee. oh oh there's blood! just a bit, but but...*panic sekejap* (biasa lah, first time per...)
8am plus: heading for check-up at 10am with abi! stopped at macs to get an SME and iced milo. brother (pak supir for the day) and thither came to fetch us since she also had a check up around the same time at KKH. somewhat gleefully i updated them that hey maybe i've been having mini contractions throughout the night and my show came this morning! hahha..brother dropped me off at NUH and headed to KKH.
10am plus: yup, in labour! at 3cm dilated, dr biswas dispatched us upstairs to the delivery suites. the anaesthetist was there and ready to gimme my happydural. which was, until that point of time, THE MOST (and i am not exxagerating here) PAINFUL experience of my life and made me also prefer the pain of contractions that to be jabbed 8 times. hahahhah...
12pm plus: aby left for prayers, lunch and home to get our baby bag. blissfully and legally drugged, i drifted in and out of sleep, zikir-ing now and again. checked with the family too - ahaha! thither pun kena warded!
2pm: aby came back with some contraband (ice cold pokka green tea). i was not allowed any food...HUNGRY! 4 cm dilated. what!!! talked long and honestly with aby and laughed and tried to focus on what was happening.
6pm: dr biswas popped in for a quick visit. 6 cm only! time to break the water bag. now between this time and the actual birth, i lost all concept of being coz the pain was too much. they sneakily halved the happydural dosage so i'd know when to push, but for the life of me i couldn't feel anything other than pain in that general area! i remember abi holding me on one side and the nurse on the other. he kept saying, "ok dear last push. you can do it!" but it was the "last push" for probably around 100 times. oh and yeah! dr biswas pun so stern. at one point he actually said "don't cry. crying will not get you anywhere." !@#$%^&**!!
2346hrs: amir hamza came into this world. : ) both of us got cleaned up, dressed and moved to ward 96.
sat 26 apr
0912hrs: thither pun give birth finally...hello ilyas izzuddin!
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