A Moment of Silence, Please

mood: sombre
music: surah al-ankabut verse 57 ("every soul shall have a taste of death in the end to Us shall ye be brought back")

zul passed away on sunday. alfatihah.



he was making a right turn at a t-junction when a truck in the opposite direction came barrelling thru. both must have been going very fast in order not to have seen each other.

i knew zul. from when he was in kranji till he was in ngee ann. his sis was my senior in sec sch and we went for some alkhair camp together before. knew his dad, too; he gave us a ride to school once.

i'm feeling a bit ...weird. i didn't know him that well. in fact, didn't know him at all. just hung out with him occasionally at the atrium or bumped into him at the library. but now that he's gone, i feel i have no right to mourn for him.

i'm very sure he will be sorely missed. his family, his friends, the atrium gang. and the one girl whose life he helped changed. life is like this big jigsaw puzzle and suddenly one piece just goes missing.

God is Great. i realized at the last death i experienced (abg hakim's) that death is really a lesson not for the deceased, but for those he left behind. it is a reminder that we too someday will be bathed and shrouded and prayed for and placed in a box and buried six feet under. and we all will be held accountable for every single thing that we do while on this good earth.

if that is not enough to make us wake up and repent, i don't know what will.

'tis also a reminder for all you motorists to be careful. it's not worth it.

awak be careful ok?

It's The Idle Fever

mood: full! *burp*
music: this is how a heart breaks - rob thomas ("THIS IS IT!")

just had dinner with The Girls at west coast. we do this every month, and it gets better and better each time! but i wish we could do more and spend more time together...remember kay, we have to work at the friendship that we have and never lose the ukhwah!

right now i'm preparing for the peedee 'oliday...yupz...just errands to run and loops to close before i head for a nice long break. hey...i seem to be perpetually in need of a holiday...!

i have to start counting down now...so much to do, so little time!

here's this musical baton thingy toots passed to me...

total volume of music on my computer: 168 songs, 1.45GB (yes i may be on limewire, but i still respect 'em ip stuff)

the last CD I bought:krunisme

song playing: this is how a heart breaks - rob thomas (never been released)

five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
peterpan- mungkin nanti
maroon 5 - she will be loved
tony rich project - nobody knows
everclear - wonderful now
babyface & desiree - fire

heads up to these peeps! passing the gun to y'all:
Lee
Zackeroos
Chillied Cherry
Fiomoe

Engaged Right Now...But Will Get Back To You, Yeah?

mood: tired...very very tired...
music: outta my head - fastball ("i was waiting for an indication but it was hard to find")

yes...so the deed is done...

i have moved on to a another stage of my life. one that i know of the destination, but not sure of the path there. for sure, it will be rocky and crazy and insane. insya Allah it will be worth it.

moving on the next stage...that sort of indicates that you have left behind the previous stage yeah? did i leave it clean? did i close up all the open loops? any outstanding issues that i could have done better?

doesn't matter anymore...i think it's too late...*groan*...i'm a selfish lil' brat. i know.

the one thing i regret is losing my special angel. yes...i've lost my special angel. my special angel who was always there for me, the one i begged to catch me everytime i fall, the one who understood me and saw me inside. yeups, i lost my special angel, alright.

i know i have made my special angel disappointed. and angry. and upset. i know my special angel is hurting inside, and it hurts me just as much to know that i am the one who caused my special angel all this crap. i hate the fact that i know my special angel is hurting...yet here i am, happy and supposed to go on with my life.

my special angel, you do not deserve me. go and spread your wings far out and cast your goodness to others. continue to excel in whatever you do and touch more lives. my time has passed.

"dan mungkin bila nanti...kita kan bertemu lagi..."

A Brand New Year Ladies and Gentlemen!

mood: tired...but happy!
music: let me go - three doors down ("when all the pieces fall apart you will be the only one who knows")

: )

i am 22! and have yet to watch my first legal RA show. which was the resolution i made last year when i made legal age. heheehehe!

anyway, bday turned out nice. i was expecting a lot of comfort from the day, and i received much more love also! thanks to all who remembered! woke up to find an envelope on the table. it's a card from mother...WITH MONEY INSIDE!

*hahaha* omg...been a looooooooooooooong time since i last took money from my parents! so paiseh! i told her "mother why give me money?" then she said "why you don't want it? then give it back." hehehe...to which i promptly did. saaaaaaaaaayang mak! *muacks*

emperor and flo took me on a two hour lunch break at fig&olive and dessert at changing appetite. i tell you...that cognac glass was the grandfather of ice cream glasses ok! it had like 6 scoops, a tonne of whipped cream and cherries and choc rice...there goes my fitness plan! the internz got me a lava choc thingy from tcc...and joz, jians and fions also got me ice cream...my fav macadamia nut brittle! i must be a really really sweet person...

and awak...of coz. having someone normal do something normal is well, normal. but when someone who is not normal, as in who is not like a typical guy do something normal...that says a lot about him. and awak...i love your gift best.

and i really really really needed it. you put a lot of thought into wat i needed and you gave it to me. that about sums up the story of us. you may not always know what i want, but you will always give me what i need. and for that i thank Him. and i thank you, awak, for putting up with me all these years. let's hang on and finish the race, ok?

my special angel also gave me a good gift. it by far surpasses anything that my special angel could ever give me. i will remember it, special angel, and always have it at the back of my mind. it's really amazing how these things come naturally to you. i'm sending some happy thoughts your way.

kak yati, irah, lizzy, zackeroos, fiomoe, sister, nyonyah and ben, THANK YOU for your messages...i love them!

Dear God, all praises are due for You for granting me another year on this earth. Please, God, fill my life with more faith and goodness. let me not fall into the dark side (like anakin did) and keep me in Your Path. ameen.

: )

Melted Tastes Good Too!

mood: happy lah! abeyden...
music: bagaikan sakti - siti nurhaliza & m nasir ("bila sampai waktu kita akan bersama")

yesterday night had dinner with awak...went to the cckpark foodie place. not fantastic, but the ice cream made it all worthwhile. thanks for the macadamia nut brittle, awak...next time we'll try to have it while it's still frozen, how about that? *grin* but thanks...really liked it. was on a sugar high....

it's been a looooooooooong time since we just went out and had a good time, free from any worries or pressure. really to just be able to be together and not have any issues/concerns/problems to work out or talk about. that's what you are really good at, awak...you do say it best when you say nothing at all....

your knee still hurt? *LOL*

ice wished my 'appy bday on the wrong day...and i promptly told her i'd pass the word to awak. heehee! and you know what she asked? "eh your birthdays together, did you plan this or it was just a coincidence?" *LOL*

to which i replied " no my parents told his parents to slow down the conception process so that out birthdays would be a day apart......"

HAHAHAAHHAHA....ice, kau nie kelakar lah!

i do think it is an amazing fact that out birthdays are a day apart. and now we're trying to plan our lives around the month of May also, so it can be a festive and happy month every year when May comes. heheheheeeeee....you guys know wat i'm talking about riiiiiiiite? : )

i'm in a happy mood. nothing shall spoil it. ! : ) : )

Salesman..Opps! Sorry. SalesPerson!

music: if you don't know me by now - simply red ("if you don't know me by now...you will never never never know me")

who wants to get to know me?

*sigh*

soooooo tired. how did things get this outta control? how could i not have seen this coming? really need to learn to order my life better. i keep thinking that it will pass...soon...everything will be alright. didn't seen to notice how wrong they could go...

yesterday's imc class rocked! *lol*...haven't had such a simulating time in class for a long time and the gang was cool! ahhahhahah...they sure made class bearable. thanks paul, marcus, andrew, fiomoe, prev and "cute fred"...you guys sure are something. get started on the portfolio now!

awak's birthday yesterday. sent a 'lil package to his office as a suprise and he called me when he received it. hee hee hee! hope you like it dear, but don't take it too much, kay? bit by bit can. we've been so busy these past few weeks, the birthdays are passing us by. i know we agreed to give this year's bdays a miss, but i just wanted to suprise you...so SUPRISE! *grin*

then at night, ice and lizzy both sms-ed me at the same time! wassup with these spec ed teachs? tu lah...call never pick up, sms never reply...no choice, i had to email. sorry you girls found it out that way...i wanted to tell you in person! and aku nak pergi sibu lah!!!! hehhehehehe...see you girls wed!

Kitestrings and Angels

mood: no mood lah!
music: let her cry - hootie and the blowfish ("she never lets me in..only tell me where she's been")

my working environment is falling to pieces.

people are leaving. by the hundreds. (ok lah not exactly...but u get the point)

six months ago my team was complete. one AD, three Mgrs and one exec. today it's one soon-to-be-gone AD and one frustrated exec.

what's going in? *sigh*

today is awak's bday. sent a suprise to his workplace...not sure if he has received it yet. i wonder how he will react...

still feeling very tired and blue. my special angel has been ...well, special! : ) some people have the gift of reaching into others and reading their souls. it's eerily accurate how my special angel can do that. i'm not sure if this is just a phase that we're going thru but it's really bizarre! it's like magic the way my special angel lifts me off my feet and gets me to go places. my special angel can inspire me, brings me to higher ground and shows me a high i didn't know exist. thanks special angel...you will always be special.

God, please Grant me Your Calm and Peace. it's really really messy right now, but the only thing that i can trust and concentrate on now is Your Path. This is a test from You and i know it will make me a better person. i only hope that i can come to my senses soon enough.

There Is A Red Lion

mood: full
music: chariot - gavin degraw ("you'll be my vacation away from this place")



you see! she was right! there was a red lion!

it was a good movie, a great dinner and a fantastic kbox night! *LOL*

kingdom of heaven is the type of movie that i would like to make someday. it inspired me. why does it take a non-muslim, mr ridley scott, to make such a film? someone who is able to make people sit up and think? i thot the way islam and Salahdin was potrayed in the movie was amazing. God, please grant me that kind of genius some day so i may move minds with Your Words.

"I am Salahdin. Salah al Din Yusuf Ibn Ayyub!"

the dinner was nice, hor? a bit slow and the mocktails sure mocked us...but i loved the experience! i guess it's not where you go, it's who you're with. i love you guys...we rock! *even if we did "misplace" the car...*

Happily Employed Singaporeans

mood: desperately tired
music: let's forget about it - lisa loeb ("i'll stop crying, if you'll stop lying to me"

today's ECHEdn was....a great disaster. no suprise there....

did i really think i was gonna set a new precedence? like actually have a case where two divisions work together and sail away to a win-win situation? bollocks!

it's ok...go ahead. be my blinking guest and clock the darn KPIs.

whatever...like i care.

*sob*...
.
.
.
.
.
.
oh but i do.....!

i'm so tired these past few days...and so occupied with things that i'm just not sure i really wanna do. i just want to do these things which i have taken a lot for granted lately:

1. take a deep breath
2. sleep with awang and cici (even tho his breath stinks...god wat have i been feeding him?)
3. read a good long book
4. write my script

when to find time? sibu? chiangmai? eygpt? SOMEWHERE!??!?

You Gotta Work It Out

mood: contented
music: book of love - peter gabriel ("but i love it when you read to me")

i was a shoulder today. yup...became a crying/sobbing/hingus-soaking shoulder for a pal today. (and boy can she unload!) all i can say is that, rufz, i'm here. always.

another pal dissed me today! omg...sinseh, i need you to know something. friendship? it's like an engine. it has to be worked at for it to ... well...work! you cannot simply just sit there and say, "yeah we're cool. we're friends" NOPE. doesn't work that way. call, sms, email, chat...anything. if you're too busy...well...NEWSFLASH: WE ALL ARE!

the rest of them say i'm too harsh on you...but honestly, this isn't the first time!

*grr*....geram nyer!

Help? Of Course I'd Help!

mood: pulling my hair out in frustration
music: numb - linkin park ("what the hell are you waiting for?")

peeps, y'all must know this about me.

i hate (strong, but neccessary here) people who will not help themselves. people who have an "i-don't-care-what-happens" attitude for their own benefit. people who wallow in self pity and always think that others are out to get them, or that every single darn thing is a conspiracy against them.

oh you've got problems? well...boo freaking hoo.

what the hell were you thinking? were you even thinking in the first place? looked at the faces around you? called home and checked with your loved ones? ever occur to you that there are actual beings who might be affected by your actions? think lah for fish's sake...THINK! the world does not revolved around your whims and fancies.

i hate cleaning up after people. i have enough crap in my life, thank you very much.

A Doa For Mother

mother, i love you. it's mother's day and you are my mother. only He knows everything that you have ever done for this family and truth be told, only He can reward you for it. out of all three of us (five, if you count awang and cici), i troubled you the most. the amount of trash and rubbish i gave you when i was younger would fill volumes and the older i got, the more naughtier i became.

i want you to know that it was all me.

nothing to do with the upbringing that you gave.
nothing to do with the love that you masked.
nothing to do with the care that you hid.

now my heart bleeds when i witness how selfish i have been and still am. my head hurts when i think of all that you bring to your sleep at night. my body aches to only imagine the load that you carry on your shoulders.

for sure, we don't talk enough. we argue too much. you work too hard and i worry you all the time. i should really listen to you more and be angry with you less. you should start writing again. and start smiling again. and start laughing again.

you have been a mother, and i will tell Him that.
i will ask Him everyday to Raise you to the levels, to be among those He Loves and who love Him. i will ask Him that He reward you my mother, as He has Promised.
i will ask Him to Bring you His Peace, His Love and His Faith to fill your heart.

one day i will be the person you have prayed i will become. one day i will earn your praises. one day you will be able to say that you are proud of me. i will work at it, until i deserve to be all these things.

most peeps i know will shudder to think that they will become just like their mothers some day.

i just wanted to tell you that i don't mind.

I Drive Well, Ok? Must Try Sugarcane + Lime Juice.

mood: wide awake two hours past midnight
music: quizzical - juliet de orange ("i'm so useless in the kitchen")

footnote to self: no green tea five hours before bedtime!

started out the day with a big yawn and practically jumped out of bed and saw that it was nearly ten! *groan*...saturday can sleep in wat...yeah right!

so i started cleaning and putting things back where they belong. was pleasantly suprised to discover that i actually have floor in my room and underneath the pile of tudungs, bandanas and scarves was my other slipper. the dust that i eventually sucked up woulda made a pretty good pillow.(note to lee: could really use that vacuum/mop machine for this year's bday!) and...at any one point in time, i can only carry seven bags on my body, but i own like 49!

but i did get it done. i did! well...half done, i guess. will pick it up another day. how many times must i tell you that i am sooooo not a cleaning person? cook, yes! bake, steam, broil, grill...lock me up in a kitchen, i'm a happy girl...but clean? c'mon...get real!

well, while cleaning, some time around noon, awak called and asked me to "get ready. we're going for lunch." so we went. beach road. and trashed things out. i told him very honestly "awak, we both get enuff pressure from home and work. we don't need to take/give this crap from/to each other." talked it out and managed to meet each other halfway. then we walked around arab street looking for a nice gift for QueenEW. will and almo, it's absolutely gorgeous and she will love it! see you guys for the Original L&T Kingdom dinner on mon! can't wait!

was already planning to meet nyah and the rest for the BBQ@mendaki. then i got a call. basically the message was "come home, pronto".

and you know what i ended up doing? got the car, faced mother and brother, met gramps/gramms at tekka mall, shopped, sent gramps/gramms to maklang's place, sent mamat's pillow to sister's place and then to home.

OK LISTEN UP PEOPLE!

"humans are not telephatic. (at least, this human isn't). if you don't say it, i won't know it. if you drop hints about it, be sure that your hints are clear and that we're on the same channel. messages are not communicated if they are not transmitted."

geddit? simple right? *sigh*....

oh...the farniest thing happened in sheng siong earlier. was at the checkout counter. the cash lady (indian) and the packing lady (chinese) and me. in my mind i was thinking, "huh, should whip out my olympus and shoot this scene. racial harmony 101."

packing lady: are you sure this can fit?
cash lady: yes just tie with an extra plastic
packing lady: you sure it won't tear?
cash lady: you don't believe you try lah

packing lady turns to me and my trolley.

packing lady: nah
me: just place it here. thanks.

nothing bizarreo about the script right? yup...nothing at all...only the fact that the entire thing was conducted in mandarin! reminded me of the time i was in paris and i got by more in mandarin than i did in french...

what ever happened to malay being the national language of singapore?

My Thoughts Come Straight From My Heart, Thru My Mouth, Bypassing My Brain

mood: quite clear-headed this morning...thanks!
music: you and me - lifehouse ("what day is it and in what month? this clock never seemed so alive")

i have been shooting my mouth off. i've been told that i am tactless and can be unnecessarily blunt.

*hrmmpph*

i'm very very very sorry lee...next time, lunch, kay?

shooting your mouth off is a very serious offence, even in the realm of cyberspace. the recent blogging racist thingy by that psc scholar, not to mention the more recent agency scholar who complained about the grades thing. (ok lah obviously i don't make sense here coz i'm trying to be as un-defamatory and anonymous as possible...duh~)

well...goes to show that no space is your space, 'cept that hollow area between your ears. you speak it out loud, it's slander. you write it down, electronically or ink-ly, it's libel. be careful of what you say.

limit your illogical rantings to the personal affairs and try as far as possible to not name individuals, or use a pseudonym. err on the side of caution (just like slysko did on wed), ok peeps?

moral of the story is? there's a malay saying that goes "berani cakap, berani tanggung" which means if you dare say it, then dare to face the consequences.

so...watch your mouth.

Steaming Genius

mood: proud of meself
music: reach - gloria estefan

i'm cheered up. considerably. hahaha!

i'm so glad that i am a self sufficient fully functioning being with the extraordinary gift of making myself laugh, cheering myself up, talking myself outta bad mood, giving myself a pat on the back. i mean, sure...there are times that i need other to do all the above, but that's a story for another day, ain't it? : )

i just thot of the most brilliant-est idea of what ID can get for CE for his farewell. i know it's a spin off from someone else's idea, but the twist is gonna be so amazing and it has never been done before in this context. CE is soooo gonna love it...and he doesn't even know half of these people..hahahahah...well, it's the thought that counts. i would love to get something like that as a birthday present this year *hint* *hint*....

come to think of it...i have never been suprised before. yups...it's the classical tragedy, ladies and gentlemen! i'm am so intuitive that i can guess accurately what my pals are up to for my bday. for my 14th, it was the standard cake+water+flour+egg-in-your-face kindda suprise. we had the mark owen cd for my 15th and at sweet 16, well...let's not go there.

17th was quite a rude shock when someone forgot about it...even though it was two days after theirs! and i don't even remember turning 18 coz poly life breezed over so fast and by the time i was 19, birthdays just weren't cool anymore.

then 20th came...i remember it was a pair of trekking shoes and the trip to UK/Euro of course! turning 21 was made so memorable by lunching with the original L&T kingdom (i knew something was up when will called at 12ish). hahahahha! yup...so i've never had a suprise before coz basically i'm just too big a busybody for anyone to keep a suprise from me...darn it!

i wonder how this year's bday would be. busy i know, for sure. have the past year done me any good? or did i just while away the time chalking up more sins...?

I Can Write, Damnit!

mood: mad
music: i'm so mad i'm not even listening to anything right now!

i hate writing for stupid people. i really really really really really hate it.

hello? that's the whole blinking purpose of a call report. if i'm supposed to squeeze everything compactly "as brief and straightforward as possible"...then why the hell do you require it written up in a report format in the first place?

so i'm supposed to write an easy-to-read or read-on-the-go kindda report, for you, the oh-so-busy-one...then you don't deserve to read my report. if you're too busy to read, then don't read it lah! you're only gonna drill me about it at the next cluster ops anyway! pointless...ALL THIS IS BLINKING POINTLESS!

i went thru three years of mass comm, ok...and a semester of writcomm with dkon, for fish's sake....don't tell me how to write....i KNOW how to write.

well, obviously, it looks like i am yet to master the art of writing of nincompoops.

blardy hell...

I Love May...

mood: sleepie
music: you and me - lifehouse

i do...i really love may...lotsa things happen in may...my bday, awak's bday, mother's day, one guaranteed holiday on labour day, not to mention lotsa pals' bday also in may...so yes...i love may.

went jb shopping on saturday. drove it a very ah beng ish gallant, complete with the sports rims, spoilers and sun roof...ahahahhaa...imagine me driving that into good 'ole skudai kiri...musta turned some heads! and did i mention that it had leather seats and blue/white headlights? hidop minah!

this morning was very sad to receive the news of a galpal's breakup...aww~~ scpl, be strong, okay? i will be sending much love your way. always remember it's his loss...not yours! you're one of the most fantabulous peeps i've ever met, so dry those tears now. an excellent excuse, i know, to go out get plastered, but baby, alcohol does dreadful stuff to your liver...c'mon girl i need you sober, yeah? always here if you need.

also had a nice chat with makuda. hahaha...aunts can be a riot, but how i love them. it's true they say...you can pick your friends (and you should!) but you can't choose your family. so i'm very grateful to God that i'm stuck with the tribe that i have. i love 'em all. right down the the naggy aunties and the deaf uncles, the cooking grams and the forgetful gramps, pesky little cousins and arrogants older ones...i love 'em all. Lord knows they can try you at times, but didn't He warn you about this in His Book already? so most of the time i just grit my teeth and thank them for their love.

something big is happening. i've been dreaming of it for so long, now that it's looming in the (very) near future, it's almost anti-climatic, the way i'm approaching it. i have adopted an "i-really-don't-care-coz-i'm-hurting-so-much-inside" attitude. don't really wanna discuss it here today, maybe i'll pick it up again soon.