overwhelming. that one word summarises the past month.
hamza is four week two days old today and it has been insane. suddenly my life revolves around this screaming crying lil being on a sleep-feed-poop routine. the sleepless nights are more manageable now. at least he no longer bawls – the first few nights i swear the whole cck north six were woken by him.
tak takut ker?
penat doesn’t even begin to describe how i feel. it seems that nothing is easy with hamza. he cries at everything. and his cry is not like his cousin ilyas’s cry – that of a cat, more a whimper really. oh no siree…hamza’s cry is the true blue test of healthy his lungs are. the deafening-highpitched-lip-quivering-face-turning-red-and- then-blue kind of cry, which automatically stops when i pick him up. this means every time he’s asleep, i have about two to three hours to eat, bathe, do whatever i can around the house and catch some sleep myself before he is up again.
and don’t even get me started on breastfeeding. for the record, YES I KNOW breastmilk is the best milk. YES I KNOW mothers should breastfeed their baby for as long as possible. YES I KNOW there are abundant benefits of a mother’s milk. but NO I DIDN’T KNOW that for the first few days after birth, you won’t get anything or if you’re lucky, you’ll already be producing colostrum. NO I DIDN’T KNOW that your breast will no longer be yours, they’re the baby’s to feed on demand. NO I DIDN’T KNOW that my back, shoulders and arms will ache from remaining in the breastfeeding position for extended periods of time. and what about the stress of holding a crying kicking screaming baby to your breast as you try to guide his mouth to the correct latching angle? and guess what? as soon as that’s done, you still have to subject them mammary to the breast pump – if you’re like me, trying to build up sufficient supply for when i go back to work. they didn’t tell me all this! (or maybe they did, i just wasn’t paying attention in the antenatal class.) breastfeeding is an art, not something that a mother and her baby does easily right from the start. kudos to those who do, but for those who don’t, i can surely understand why they gave up and switched to formula. it does not make them any lesser than a mother. i think there’s too much pressure on mothers to breastfeed their baby – i for one felt very pressured in the earlier days, so much so that i felt like a failure for not being able to feed hamza. i cried when he cried of hunger. i cried when aby fed him formula. i felt so useless at that time. thankfully, the stressful days are over. once you get over the beginning, have faith! it’ll get better and easier. syukur
alhamdulillah thanks to God aby has been fully participative (is there such a word?) right from the labour until today, i have never felt like i am alone or lost, he’s always there with an equal say of what’s going on with hamza, waking up for night feeds, taking over the subuh shift when i collapse, cooking me meals, doing the household chores – basically doing everything i stopped doing. and this amidst his work and classes. on my more emotional days, i would cry and tell him i’m sorry he has to all this. he’d hold me and say “you’re doing a far more important duty.”
syukur alhamdulillah thanks to God i also have the support of family around. both neneks are ever-willing to take hamza off our hands for us to run errands and what-nots. we even had a little down time to catch indiana jones. and of course the wonderful friends who dropped by to celebrate our birthdays.
faizal, mazlan, fahmee, emi and baby ammar on aby's birthday 
yani, baby aliyah, aisah, liza and azad on my birthday.
zack/nadz/kak al: i don’t have photos from your visit! email me can?
we had a very quite and simple celebration of our second wedding anniversary – falling asleep in front of the tv with hamza in his abi’s arms.
so that’s my update for the month. nobody said motherhood is easy and i know it’ll get harder. for now i’m going to end this post with the cliché of all clichés…
whenever i kiss his bubble gum tummy, it's all worth it. i wouldn't want it any other way.
