Back From Near Death

so He didn't return me to Him after all...

"Oh Allah keep me alive so long as it is beneficial for me..."

i'm really sorry to all who have asked about me this past few weeks. and as i told you i was facing a great test from Him, possibly the greatest test in my life so far. And i pray everyday that this is the last test of this magnitude that He sends my way...i just don't know if i'll ever survive another test this big. on hindsight, i guess He really wanted to see what i was made of, and He really wanted to test my faith in Him.

"Allah is sufficient for me and what an excellent patron He is."

the darkest days of my life. the past seven months, my emotions and well-being have been as unrecognizable as a shipwreck. some days i was strong, up and about, some days i just want to curl up and die. most of the time i was in denial. i jolly well knew why this was happening to me, but my ego and nafs consumed me from inside. instead of praying and supplicating, i would sob and moan. my soul would simply disintegrate and i felt that life has no meaning.

other days were better, i guess. i got up, went to work, went out with friends, met peterpan and gang, got married, bought a house...basically went through the motions, trying to live a semblance of a normal life. like normal people do. it was the single most toughest things that i have ever had to do.

"Oh Allah an easy task is only one which You make easy and whenever You will, difficulties are reduced to easy things..."

how eh? how do i share with you this utmost despair? how can you help me with this intense depression? how can you see my desperate worries?

"Oh Allah I seek Your protection from sever trials, undue feelings of frustrations over Your decrees..."

awak was the only lifeline keeping me alive. one night i woke up crying, and i looked at him sleeping peacefully. through the torrents of tears i asked that He remove me from his life, stop giving him these problems that was me-induced. just married...it should be blissful, chocolates, roses and sunsets right? instead, awak had to put up with an emotionally-not-there wife who doesn't see the point of living anymore. the nights that i would sob till dawn, the tears would be free-flowing, but i'd end up with a migraine the next morning from silencing my cries and stuffing my face with the pillow to prevent myself from crying out loud.

"Oh Allah...make my death a refuge against all troubles..."

it was not easy to pray for death. i am so not ready to meet Him, but stuck between a rock and a hard place, i'd rather be under His banner any day. i felt like, "God, just take me away, take me now so i become less of a burden to anyone."

not only was I feeling generally in the neighborhood of rotten, i made a lot of people feel rotten. i know i worried some of you insane. and i am sorry that i could not share with you anything. because this was my test, you see. i knew He needed me to go through this and if i make it, insya Allah He will love me again.

"Oh Allah...keep me alive so long as it is in my best interest...and grant me death when it is my best interest..."

so i'm better now. all praises be to Him, the Great Lord of the Throne of Honour. He was true to His word, from start till end. there was no going against His decrees. he sent me the trial and He was also the only one who could deliver me from it.

and that He did.

and I am a changed person.

funny how it takes a catastrophe to open my eyes.

He also showed me, through His mercy, that there are those of His creations that He has sent to bring relief and comfort to me. and to you, only He can repay you with the kindness and grace that you have shown me. i pray He relieves you of your worries and showers upon you blessings from the Heavens. there are no thanks that would suffice...the doas that you have uttered from have been answered.

all i ask from you now is please...when we meet, can please don't ask me "what is wrong, wanna talk about what happened, etc"?

i am just barely holding myself together and if you ask, i'm going to fall to pieces all over again. i have a lot of answering to do to Him, so i'll save my answer for The Later Day.

"Oh Allah...so long as You keep me alive, save me from such trying situations as are likely to cause me to go astray..."
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ps: and you...the one who finds these doas familiar? when i read your email and opened your attachment, i cried. right there and then, in the office. the doas were spot on. it was exactly what i have been doa-ing for the past seven months. especially the death parts. i pray that you have never and would never have to makes these doas for yourself. kau lah sohabah dunia akhirat.

It's Not Suicide, Is It?

if i pray to Him very hard that death comes to me today, is that considered suicide?