Ransomless Kidnapping

mood: tired but happie!music: kepadaMu kekasih - m.nasir (apakah Kau akan menerima ku dalam keadaan begini" / "will You accept me in this state")

today's PR paper was rubbish. i will not be suprised if we're all made to either re-sit the paper or make it up with some sort of assignment. now that's stupid. em dee eye yes, you'd better clean up your stuff and get your act together before the auditors come a'knocking.

*hhrrmph*

spent the entire afternoon with giggly. dropped the car off at champion for its first 1k servicing (mileage was at 1583 when i drove it in) and headed to SIM for lunch. been wanting to eat there for some time now...and finally got my fix...hehehee! it was a huge lunch! and a nice chat. a nice looooooong one. about men. life. work. people. virginity, etc...

did zuhr at mss and went back to pick up the car before zipping down to pick zackeroos at her school and headed for east coast. with my newly purchased woollen picnic mat (it was a bargain at seven bucks!) we sat down near the beach and watch the sun go down. talked, laughed, posed, planned for chiangmai...till twilight peeked over the horizon and ushered in maghrib. we left fully satisfied and with love in our hearts. thanks my deah sohabahs...THIS SATURDAY WE ROCK!! heeheee....

oh yeah by the way...abu, boleh kenal kenal? *guffaws*

Stoopeedeetee

mood: crazy cramming
music: fix you - coldplay ("when you try your best but you don't succeed when you get what you want but not what you need when you feel so tired but you can't sleep")

how many times must we go thru this?

PEOPLE LISTEN UP! friendship is a verb. you work at it. you nuture it. you cultivate it, you take care of it, you make sure it's well oiled and can face any bumps on the road. in return, it will bring you peace, joy and love.

so for fish's sake...I GET IT. i know of all the roles i have to play: daughter, fiancee, wife, whatever! and i know what exactly are expected on me when i'm playing these roles.

so what you are married? when you weren't you had to keep reminding me that you're with him now and that your priorities are different. now that you're married you have to do the same?you are not the first woman to get married, nor are you the last to get married. PEOPLE GET MARRIED! THEY DO IT EVERYDAY! no biggie!

yes yes i hear the rest of you..."be understanding, she just got married, it's the honeymoon period..." which is why i will continue. on the grounds that you are a friend. a sohabah. which i treasure.

don't insult my intelligence. don't insult me.

Cheap Cheap Flights To Heathrow

mood: oh so much lighter...
music: look what you've done - jet ("give me back my point of view coz i just can't think for you")

it is done. all my assignments are in as of last night 11.30pm. *sheesh*

mother as usual nagged at me for having to go bukit panjang then jurong then tanah merah then sengkang, all in the name of submitting the assignment. "good...buat lagi kerja last minute." err..hello mother...how was i to know fred's gone in camp?...well, anyway...it's ok. that's that and i'm just relieved that it is over. now will break for study leave and exams then i will be done. insya Allah.

*hmn...interesting. remember wat happened during the last study leave?*

june draws to a close. in many ways, it can be considered the most happening month since the start of this year, beating even may! i was bombarded in so many ways...my heart was tested, the will of my faith was tried, my brains were picked at,my ability at work was being questioned, my responsibilities are home were forgotten, my bank account hovered dangerously low, my driving's gone from uber terok to bad...AND WORST OF ALL awang is still missing!!!!

*sigh*....Thank You God, for reminding me of the more important things that i have to do as Your servant on this earth. now can You grant me the wisdom to have good time management? i dunno what's wrong with me. back in school i was excellent at time management! always ended up the chaser, chased groupmates for work, chased people for commitment and stuff...not forgetting i was a full time volunteer at darul...how on earth did i do it?

lost me mojo man...i realised i've lost my essence. my spirit is gone. and that's bad news. i need to go on a quest to find my spirit. soon. now. chiangmai is not soon enough.

saw something interesting this morning. was walking along raffles exchange where there's a long advertisement on british airways. and along the path were two angmohs dressed as BA's captains and they were holding out banners promoting cheap direct flights to heathrow. and so typical of s'poreans, most of us zoomed past them, apparently all headed to work and not giving them any attention at all. it prompted one of the captains to comment to this lady in front of me, "well, you're in a hurry aren't you?" and she just nodded and smiled. at least i dug my head out of my red rabbit's paperback and said good morning to him!

both the captains had this bemused expression on their face. they must be sooooo amused that the scene that was moving around them at that time was eerily resembling the one in japan, where thousands of commuters squeezed in sardine cans passing off as trains and all of them looked alike and walked in the same direction.

told awak he must work hard and makes lotsa moolah so i can retire at 25.

Empty Vessels Make The Most Noise

mood: stagnant
music: pure - lightning seeds ("now you're crying in your sleep i wish you'd never learnt to weep")

*sigh*

oh so true.

listen up...families are important. they define you. you can't ditch them like you ditch pals who do crappy stuff. nope. you are stuck with them. so...dumbo....make the best outta the situation. take it in your stride. learn to let things go lah. *takes a deep breath*. and work? tough crap. no one said it was gonna be easy. welcome to the real world. teachers never mentioned it, mentors tried to be optimistic about it.

i have GOT to learn to let go. awak is very good at this.

why do i always choose to walk around with heaviness in my heart? i worry too much about things that i don't have control over and i always forget to see the bigger picture. i keep saying i wished things were different or if only i'd done that....cannot keep living like this. serious. regret is not a good thing.

must always be thankful with the gifts He has showered on me. i have a home, parents who love me enough to nag constantly, a sister and a brother who appreciate me enough to seek me out, a man who loves me, along with my many flaws, a job that keeps me honest and my faith, that keeps me on the Straight Path.

but i still feel empty. why?

You Live, You Learn

mood: all crapped out
music: you're an ocean - fastball ("nothing in my life ever came with a guarantee")

having a wee bit of down time here...shall blog a bit abt the days gone by.

it has been insane. with the pitch and the steer briefing, things keep spiralling outta control and well...just generally insane! BUT the mature person always learns from the lessons that comes to her, so that i shall attempt to do here.

in the past 96 hours i have learnt:

you must trust your boss. the moment you can't, get out.

have faith in yourself and in what you can do, and don't let nobody tell you otherwise.
laughing can help relieve tension headaches.

when working in a team, believe in your mates and motivate them constantly. like encouraging them to show off their leggy limbs or or calling them handsome first thing in the morning.

if you don't know the answer to a question, be the first to admit it. if the questioner isn't happy, tough.

learn to identify good advice. understand that it can come from anyone, anytime.

apparently, while at work, you not only need to do work, but appear to be doing work. go figure.

it doesn't hurt to be polite. you'll never know.

some people have no respect for structures, systems and procedures. sucks for them, but always stay true to your own work ethics.

animals might run away from home *sob* but that doesn't mean they love you any less.

chocolates are a quick pick-me-up for when your stress levels reach an unbearable high.

if you need help, reach out. "don't be afraid to be weak. don't be too proud to be strong".

when in doubt, always turn to Him.

no wait....ALWAYS turn to Him, no need to wait for doubt to disrupt your mind and consume your being.

anyone else got learning points to share?

The Movie Is About Blacks, Jews, Girls And Fathers

mood: inspired!!! (must check out the movie liberty heights)
music: tilll i hear it from you - gin blossoms ("i don't wanna take advice from fools, i'll just figure everything is cool, until i hear it from you...")

picked brother and mother up from kkh and jrl earlier. awak wanted to take me out to dinner but, sorry baby...duty calls. i need to buy a sign that says "T-A-X-I" and put it on top of the car. then i need to get a sign that say "CHANGING SHIFT" and "CHOA CHU KANG". oh and if you see a taxi fare meter selling along desker road or something please buy it for me, yeah? need to start charging soon...hehehe....

came back and tried to get awak on the phone...but awak not answering...hmn...

anyway it's past 1am on a sat morning...watching this friday night movie on channel five. it's called liberty heights. anyone caught it before? it's really good. script's fantastic, cinematography breathe taking, plot masterful! darn...i wanna make such a movie. and such a gem to come across it on this friday night! the last time i decided to wait up for the friday night movie, also caught another gem...simon birch. a very early work of jim carey...*sob*...now THAT was a touching movie.

phurr asked me online today how i was doing...and i told her...taking it one day at a time. and her reply went straight to my heart.

phurrgin@gmail.com says:
coz moving on does not equate to forgeting one who has passed on earlier

i will never forget. never. always in my prayers. all who have went ahead in their journey. may i be as blessed as thee when He calls, insya Allah.

Yada Yada Yada...Yeah Whatever!

mood: i know i said i've turned over a new leaf...but boy is this new leaf angry!!!
music: how could this happen to me - simple plan ("i try to make a sound but no one hears me")

i'm mad. crazy angry. i feel like i'm trapped under layers and layers of papers and each time i find my footing and think i can claw my way out, i just fall back down the rubble. they will come and shower more and more paper for me to sieve through. yes...that is what i am. a professional paper pusher. sitting around waiting for the powers that be to agree on who will front what and who will get to clock the damn KPI and who will make the presentation.

oh for crying out loud...just agree on something already!!! and don't pretend to ask for my opinion when you blardy know it doesn't count. and everytime i speak, stop looking at me like you're ready to pounce, hoping that i'd say something stupid.

have we all lost our focus here? they are throwing money at us, for fish's sake, and here we are arguing on who gets to spend how much and how come they get to spend more...HELLO! in case you haven't noticed, the money is NOT FOR YOU! it's for the people out there who really need help and they actually have mouths to feed!!! unlike you who drive to work and live in a condo and play golf every weekend and take intercontinental holidays every year!

fine...! i know you work hard for your money. heck...who doesn't? (actually, i know of people who are skiving at work daily but that's story for another blog ranting)...but all this haggling is RIDICULOUS!

*aaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!*

ok.........i'm done griping.

so much for wanting to smile and laugh again...*hrrmph!*

well...awak did make me chuckle. coz i told him "dear i feel so stewpid when they make me do stewpid stuff" and he went "that's good, then. coz the people who make you feel stewpid by doing stewpid stuff are stewpid-er themselves".

ok he actually said it in malay and it really sound much funnier there...but you catch my drift. and he tried. awak always gets points for trying.

: )

Eyes Cried Shut

mood: not seeing very well
music: everybody hurts - r.e.m ("well everybody hurts sometimes, everybody cries.")

woke up this morning with a papabear of a headache. went to the miror and got the shock of my life..."WHO'S THAT?!" i said...hah! almost couldn't recognize myself with the swollen eyes. i looked like...(was thinking of a truck reference, but wtf...)

ok wait a minute. i said i was gonna move on get over it right? ok ok trying...trrrryiiiing. *takes a deep breath*

chatted with ice for a 'lil bit last night. thanks girl. even though it was very very very sad, i think we both took a bit away from that. i found some comfort, dearie. thanks. you are an amazingly strong person and i know i can always lean on you... : ) we should meet up more often. we don't talk enough.

a friend suggested i call my special angel to close all loops. the friend said that since i'm on an i've-turned-over-a-new-leaf binge, i should be able to talk to my special angel. the friend had read this blog and said i had to let go and move on and that it was "part of my rehabilitation process". *ahaks*...that's a load of bull, friend. but i did it anyway...i called my special angel and we talked for a bit. as usual, my special angel was kind and always ready with a listening ear and knew what to say. i have faith in my special angel. and i do not regret the call. i'm glad i know my special angel. even if we're dimensions apart.

awak...i know you are very tired and you're going thru some tough times. i'm here for you, always always. thanks for protecting me from the pain and shielding me from the hurt...so trust me when i say all this pain and hurt i'm feeling are self-inflicted.

i promise i will soon smile and laugh again.

how not to, when you're around to colour my world?

Hello Good Afternoon. Wayang Drama Agency. Khai Speaking.

mood: tired of the phone! i swear...if i have to answer it ONE MORE TIME!
music: dialah di hati (He is in my heart) - siti nurhaliza ("selagi jantungku berdegup hingga tiba saat terhenti Dialah di hati" / "as long as my heart beats to the very end He is in my heart")

mondays are supposed to be a fresh start. i like mondays. but of course i sure miss the weekend, but monday's cool.

with all the recent lessons He has sent my way, it'll be blardee stupid if i don't wake up and realize any day is another gift from Him. another day to repent and start afresh. another day to make amends. be a good girl. a good muslim. be worthy to be Rasullulah's ummah. make mother and father proud. give the best to awak.

that's why i've decided to come to work on monday as a new person. i promise to take in all challenges my way in good stride. policy impediments, economic cycles and financial downturns mean nothing to me; i will do my bestest best to change what little i can in my time here in the wayang drama agency.

here, i'd also like to declare that i want to be a better person. a better friend also. yes i know i talk too much too honest. so please, help me be a better person and remind me of my mistakes? lemme know where i've err and knock some sense into me. yes i am stubborn and suffering from chronic middle-child syndrome, but sit me down and i will listen and learn.

to all the people i have been resenting all this while, i'm sorry. i was going nowhere with all the resentment, hostility and anger felt towards you...so i've decided to let it all go. i've been so blind...why hate when you can love? why be mad when you can breathe? why be pissed when you can smile?

so God, ok lesson learnt, yes? only for You i will be a better person.

At The Right Place At The Wrong Time

mood: numb
music: cinta jangan kau pergi - sheila majid ("cinta jangan kau pergi tinggalkan diriku sendiri" / love don't you leave me all by myself" )

sent the last cheque to champion motors earlier today...that's the last of it i hope.

on the way back travelled down jurong town hall road towards boon lay way. stopped at the junction of teban gardens.

then a strange feeling came over me. i looked down at the road and there was a lot of debris. wires.plastic pipes. tiny pieces of glass that glistened in the afternoon sun. then my eyes wandered to the traffic light...then i saw it.

a blue sign. on it were the words "FATAL ACCIDENT. SUNDAY, 29 MAY, 12.59PM".
then it was a cartoon pic of a bike and a crash sign and a vehicle. and the words "eyewitnesses please call 1800-something."

then it dawned on me. it was the junction. where the accident happened. my body immediately went rigid. awak must have noticed for he turned around and looked at me. his eyes followed mine and he saw what i was looking at. he nodded and gave me a reassuring tap on my knee.

i said another prayer for zul. one of many more to come, insya Allah. it's true that death leaves a mark on all of us. its effect is all-consuming and will make anyone tremble deep inside, for they know that it is a real thing, as He has promised that it will come to every being.

and dear toots, we all feel the same about death. but do not be afraid of it, my dear. embrace it and know that it is all part of His plan. this life on earth is but temporal; He has better things in store for us in the next realm, insya Allah.

i take comfort in my words too. coz i understand, all those whom left before me didn't really leave. i envy them, for they have reached their destination. me...i have yet to find my way there.

I Am In A Perpetual Need Of A Holiday! But It's Still Too Soon

mood: cold turkey as a result of withdrawal from travelling
music:

hahahahahah....there. i am laughing my head off. prlect actually said she thought we did a good job. if only she knew! omg...kudos to fiomoe, "frankie" and prev. ok it's obvious: we rock! here's to the next presentation and the big pitch! : )

i am now towards the end of blogging this entry and tears are streaming down my face. i intended to blog about the chiangmai escapade...but...suddenly...

was chatting to phurggin about zul. i can't explain it...but i feel this extreme feeling of loss. again...i barely knew him. watever the heck gave me the right to cry and mourn over him? he was a good boy...everytime i forget or it passes me by, i think hey it must be ok...then the realization hits me. he's gone. he really is. and then the cycle starts all over again. so many emotions...started chatting with phurgin and it all came storming back.

Dear God, bless him. Accept all of his deeds and forgive all of his mistakes. Dear God, may he rest in peace and be among those whom You love and who love You, God. may the things that he left behind be blessed for him. and may we meet again in the other realm.

think i just need to cry for a while.

Sighing...I Am So Sighing...

mood: got such thing as a sighing mood?
music: everything you want - vertical horizon ("i say all the right things at exactly the right time but i mean nothing to you and i don't know why)

i have been sighing the whole day.

yeah sure they say it's a bad thing to sigh. cepat tua or something...but i can't help it! it's been one rotten day and with my theory discussion tonight, it's about to get rottener. jiap and dhill can't help but laugh at me when i'm in mid-sigh...which pretty much cracks me up : ) i love 'em...y'know? they're like a breath of fresh air around this stale 18th floor crap trap.

i have nothing to grumble about, right? sure, things may look pointless and gloomy at this juncture, but i think it will get better. i have a roof on top of my head, a home to go back to, not one but two adowable cats who love me unconditionally...what more can a girl want?

actually we all want the same things, don't we? we want to be loved, appreciated, respected, honoured, the whol works. will any man step up to the challenge and provide the above said things?

on a seperate note, i miss my special angel. my nights are a lot quieter since my special angel left and i haven't found anything that can fill the void that my special angel left behind. my special angel is now off and away, trying to make the world a better place, so i know my special angel is doing good. you see, that's what my special angel does best. restores my faith in the goodness of people. but now that my special angel is not around anymore, i'd have to do it myself. will i have the strength?

chiangmai...i really wanna go to you...i cannot wait for september to come and i hope that this trip would not be bubbled (*HINT HINT*). i simply can't wait to go rafting down your white waters and sleep under your stars...cannot wait!!!