What Is Done, Is Done

What Is Done, Is Done

"if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then i'll follow you into the dark" - death cab for cutie

excuse my long absence from the blogging domain. lots have happened, and every time i felt like documenting it, i just couldn’t find the words for it. extreme case of writer’s block i guess.

maybe it was the concussion from the accident. suffice to say, it was a life-changing event, not just for me but also for a special person. one of my sohabahs. the police ruled that i was in the wrong – never mind there was a huge lorry blocking my view. never mind the other driver himself admitted he was rushing and was doing ninety on a fifty road. never mind. i’ve paid the fine and clocked the demerit points. moral of the story, accidents happen. learn from your mistakes. and people have commented that i am a much cautious driver since the accident, though in the beginning it was hard. people who used to depend on me for the rides started criticizing my driving skills. i didn’t hear them complaining when i drove them around, getting them to places here and there. never mind.

the biggest thing that i do mind was that one of my sohabahs was hurt. and i take full responsibility for it. chillis, i’ve apologized before but words just seem so shallow and inadequate. how can i possibly understand what you’re going through now? if i could turn back the time, i would have paid more attention to where we were going and made the correct turn. i felt something inside me die when i learnt just how injured you were and that it would mean for you – the pain, medication and therapy and your other commitments especially your schoolwork. of my twenty-four years of life i’ve hurt so many people before, emotionally and mentally, intentionally or purposely. some i have apologized for. others i will carry to my grave. but this is the first time ever that i’ve actually caused someone to be in physical pain. and there’s absolutely nothing i can do about it. i am forever indebted to you. so please tell me how i can repay you back. for the loss time, for all the hurt and pain. i will do my best to make it up to you.

and so i’ve decided to do this. i’ve decided to be a much better person from now on. not just to chillis but to everyone. i’ve decided to be a better friend, a better daughter, better wife, better everything. i’ll listen more and judge less, love more and fight less, pray more and complain less. so y’all feel free to remind me of what i’ve decided here, if i slip up and go back to my old ways.

aby commented that i’m much quieter these days. he’s been amazing all this time, staying by me whenever i was with the traffic police making the reports and settling the car insurance. during the fasting month he got up himself, made sahur and brought it to bed to me. when i was throwing out my stomach and the rest of my internal organs, he brought the dustbin to catch my puke and rubbed my back. some nights he stayed up and cried with me. he’s helped half of my emotional recovery. the rest comes from the visits and supports from my family and friends. my family, typical of their style, the marah-dulu-paham-kendian approach, has helped keep me grounded. and friends’ care and concern has helped me find myself a little bit. even friends who didn’t know about the accident or the pregnancy helped, by giving me the much-needed breathing space or else i’d suffocated with all the attention.

i owe everyone a lot of prayers. a lot.