Not An Executive, Not Yet A Manager

mood: sad and disappointed.
music: maaf - jikustik ("kau harus tahu dalam hati ku bergetar" / "you must know my heart quivers inside")

so! how does it feel to not fit in?

i've never had a problem with fitting in. in school i was at ease with the geeks club discussing books. i was on food-sharing basis with the jocks in the soccer team. i was also able to sit down and let rip a big one when chilling with the slackers. sitting in a majlis of ilmu learning from teachers at the mosque, no problem.

i was also contented to be by myself. buried in a good book for hours. or doing the chores with the player on top volume in my ear and yoddling along to the songs. or doing the running laps around my neighbourhood. i was ok.

i fit in. either in a group or by myself.

but lately...i think i've lots my place. i don't know where i belong. neither here nor there. not welcomed here. embraced there with conditions.

please...just tell me to leave. ask me to respectfully butt out. i will.

but do not treat me like i am invincible. do not assume i know i'm not wanted. do not share your private jokes in my face and expect me to laugh along. do not tell me a cock-and-bull story and expect me to believe in you.

and therefore....do not expect me to share with you. do not expect me to save your ass when it matters. do not count on me to speak up for you. do not be certain that i will stand up for you. do not bank on me to defend you.

at least my ptf is around. my ptf makes time go by so fast that i forget i'm crying. or i'm upset. my ptf hides things from me coz my ptf would rather we concentrate on me and discuss me. and my ptf will know how to read me. it's amazing how my ptf can do all these things, given that we just solidified our friendship recently...but my ptf can do that.

and for that, i am deeply grateful to my ptf. thank you. so much. for getting me though this tough time. and i'll remember what you said about knowing who your friends are. and how to tell the fair-weathered once from the real gems.

thanks ptf...you're a gem.